Tag Archives: affection

2164. Dating in Mid-life — Part C2: Dating Woman’s Manifesto


Turn on your grins, ladies. I know you can’t or won’t follow what I suggest below. I offer it as the fun side of preparating for mid-life dating. It describes what a woman should get clear between her and date before she falls prey to his charm or her infatuation and desire for next date. Every potential date should be exposed to a woman’s standards.

I know it’s far too direct for your taste. However, I view it as the ideal way to make dropouts of those primarily chasing sex, and throw up challenges for the guys truly interested in you. The former will be shocked and retreat. The latter will fall back, recover from their discomfort, compose themselves, revise their thinking, and begun to pursue you earnestly.

Were I in your shoes and asked for a first date, I would simply pass the following in a note and tell him to call me in a week.

  1. Promptness signifies respect. Tardiness signifies that your convenience outweighs my importance. Tsk, tsk.
  2. You pay or we don’t play. If not fair, who is to care?
  3. I don’t go to yours or anyone’s apartment, and we won’t spend time in mine for awhile.
  4. I will be home by midnight except for formal events that may run over. Barhopping isn’t formal.
  5. I don’t kiss like in TV and flicks. If we get there, be sure to kiss tenderly and affectionately. Kiss as a compliment rather than faux passionately to impress me. Or else, keep lips and tongue to yourself.
  6. We both have A.D.D. Mine is affection deficit disorder. Yours is affection delivery disorder. Mine is incurable. Yours is self-curable.
  7. Erogenous zones are accessible by invitation only.
  8. Men are never more handsome than when pleasing a lady.
  9. Of course I like you. Do you think I’d be giving you this if I didn’t?
  10. I don’t want a Mr. Right. You may, however, turn out to be Mr. Good Enough. Willing to try?
  11. Incidentally, no ring, no booty.
  12. Still interested? If you need more info than my phone number (xxx-xxx-xxxx), we are not compatible enough for the date you just requested.

Think: How effective would your screening and dating have been if it were used earlier in life?

By now you should be alternately laughing yourself silly and wishing that you were brave enough to do it. You see the merit but it’s so contrary to both your experience and nature.

Here’s the real message for dating: You should early-on convey your standards to your dates. Don’t leave them wondering. They will follow their instinct and intuition and you will find yourself overwhelmed with situations you can’t resolve to your advantage without paying too big a price.

This is one of the more fun posts I’ve written. I dreamed it last night and typed the rough at 2am. I continue to enjoyably imagine the awkwardness women would have passing such a manifesto to a dating prospect. I’m still grinning big time. You should be too.

 

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2148. Recovery from A.D.D.


They are born this way. Women have affection deficit disorder. Men have affection delivery disorder. The hearts and minds of the superior sex, aka the irresistible force, are blessed with the patience and temperament to move the dominant sex, aka the immovable object, and cure A.D.D.

Her Highness Beloved at 2147 asked: “So how do you train him to be affectionate?” The subject has universal appeal, so I shifted my response to this article. You ladies probably have developed better and more enchanting techniques, but here goes my suggestion.

First, your mission. Encourage your man to expand his actions that express his love to include more and better displays of affection, and do all that in order to more pleasingly light up and make the love of his life to shine in his favor and face.

Encouragement always excludes blame, faultfinding, criticism, and displays of disappointment. So, the mission calls for suppression of your negative feelings about the subject of affection and perhaps other subjects. Everything is relative, recovery is everything, and so recovery is also relative as to what will come out of your effort.

Second, don’t complain about him and don’t explain yourself. Also, don’t get angry or frustrated when your expectations are not met. Be patient and rely on your heart rather than just your mind. Forming a new habit takes many events over time; 90 days is not unusual. And men do best when they learn to do what they figure out is best for them.

Third, find numerous ways to interact with him pleasantly and perhaps even silently to convey what you expect out of him. I suggest hints, suggestions, and a seed planting campaign such as the following. A few times a day may not be too much early in marriage but might be too much early in courtship. If you’ve been married awhile, move slowly. Don’t be obvious; it causes suspicion about your motivation.

  • Interrupt what you do daily to interact eye-to-eye with him in ways that he appreciates. Just ‘howdy’ smiles to show your appreciation for his presence. Silent displays of your affection register powerfully with a man, but they don’t draw immediate and similar responses. Your affection confirms that all is well, so he need not contribute. He does that regularly in his daily actions of being with you and providing/protecting—or so his nature guides him.
  • Remember, men don’t appreciate interruptions when they are doing complicated things, such as reading the newspaper and watching TV. You should catch him between events. Female smoothness can add sugar to carry interruptions in your favor, but don’t make it too sweet. It generates suspicion about motivation, which is ‘ungood’.
  • When asked to do something and before you do it, ask, “Do I deserve some encouragement? Would you turn me loose to do such a humongous thing, make such a gigantic effort, without so much as a smooch? Hug? Promise?” (Make him laugh and feel good about himself.)
  • After you’ve done something that he asked or you did something to please him, then confirm your enjoyment of him and inquire with a huge smile: “Do I get/deserve/have I earned special treatment? My buns drag and no one wants to give me a lift? You have any ideas for a pick me up? No, a pat on the buns isn’t enough.”
  • When he does something to please you or you need some attention. Highlight your attractiveness as he likes to see you, smile charmingly, and wave gently with both hands pointed upward and friendly for him to come near. (I like the idea of making it a ritual before you head for the bedroom at night.) At first you may have to close the last few inches of the gap for physical contact, but he will finally figure out what you want and see eventually that you need it. Find ways to reward him for showing whatever affection he displays to please you. The object is to convert his thoughts to pleasing himself for pleasing you and to make it habitual.
  • Exploit his departure for work just as you send children off to school. Make it pleasant but include kiss and push for a hug. If you don’t have the time because of your schedule, improve your schedule to ensure you pay faithful attention to your craving for affection.
  • But be alert to his reactions. You’ll figure it out if you go too far or too much, so teach yourself to also pull back in those cases. Go slower, gentler, and less deserving but get what you are after, but which is so difficult to pull out of his contrary nature.
  • Patiently connect mutual thinking together with this thought. He may not but you do expect displays of affection to be shown both visually and physically. It’s your fruit from his tree of devotion. You do all manner of things to fertilize his tree, and you expect the fruit to fall rather than be plucked or bought. Fruit more freely given wraps your heart in foil impenetrable by and for anyone else. He needs to know that but should learn it indirectly; i.e., he figures it out rather than being told directly.

When he figures out that showing affection is his duty, it will become habit. But be aware, he may never be as affectionate as you like. If he isn’t, you probably have to live with whatever progress he has made. Don’t change your habits of encouraging him for more, but expect that you will have to do the hinting and suggesting forever.

The most admirable quality in a man is the spreading of his affection to the one that admires him and his affection the most. He needs to learn that. It’s a tough teaching job even for relationship experts. Men just don’t want to disclose their feelings when their actions are so loud—but only to them.

You relationship experts need to reinforce this thought in your heart of hearts. You expect your man to deliver what is not in his nature to expose, that is, how he feels. His actions convey his feelings, or at least all he wants to expose. All progress is great progress and some may have to be enough. His nature resists more extensive displays of his feelings, once he has admitted that you were right at needing—and now getting—more affection. In his heart of hearts, he’s done enough. You’ll just have to get along with that. So, color yourself blessed to the extent that he thinks displaying his affection is his duty.

That’s my suggestion for working on a cure for A.D.D.

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2118. Compatibility Axioms #591-600


591. Unmarried sex causes couples to over-commit and under-connect. [212]

592. Her value continues upward increasingly to every man that chases her, until she yields. People instinctively value more highly what they can’t have than what they gain and then ‘own’. [212]

593. Everybody makes mistakes. Recovery is everything, and virtual virginity enables it for past sexual mistakes/experience. [212]

594. Avoiding life as an ex comes much easier to the woman that elevates and honors her sexual assets even above marriage. [212]

595. By her refusing to have unmarried sex, she forces a man to prove himself worthy of her and capable of fulfilling her expectations for home and family. If it doesn’t work that way, then he’s after sex and not her. [212]

596. Scoring with a hard-to-get woman elevates a man’s sense of significance, but it’s more ego than conviction, more temporary than permanent, more fun than bond. [212]

597. The woman that a man respects and honors adds to his convicted sense of significance, whether they are sex partners or not. That is, he’s more satisfied with himself by treating her more respectably/honorably.[212]

598. Refusing to have sex with an attractive man requires womanly strength of character to keep from turning him off. Hard-headed feminine gentleness helps and self-dedication wins. [212]

599. A woman’s biggest challenge is to keep from being eager or desperate to have a boyfriend, dates, hubby, or sex, or whatever else she thinks she has to have for the short term. [212]

600. Women seek affection and fear abandonment. Uncrossed legs before marriage is not mutually bonding, which short-circuits affection and increases likelihood of being dumped sooner or later.  [213]

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2107. Most Valuable Possessions


Her Highness DJ at 2104 asked this: “If I understand correctly the most valuable possession of women is their reproductive organs, the most valuable possession of men is themselves?” I figure you have to look at it four ways and respond as follows.

  1. According to how they are born, women’s most valuable possession to themselves is their ability to advertise, promote, and present themselves as attractive and compatible enough that they can stall first-sex and still convince a man to produce/provide/protect/problem solve for them and their children. To men, women’s most valuable possession is genitalia until downgraded by conquest and replaced by promise a conqueror detects to support his endeavors in life.
  2. Again, according to how they are born, men’s most valuable possession to themselves is their ability to earn self-admiration by using erections. To women, men’s most valuable possession is their ability to spread affection and intimacy that confirms a woman’s importance.
  3. According to how they behave, women’s most valuable possession is their willingness, ability, and strength of character to ration sexual favor in promotion of their own interest. To men, women’s most valuable possession is their attractiveness as sex target, until conquered that is. Then it becomes each woman’s uniqueness, fascination, and likeability that separates her from others of her sex.
  4. Again, according to how they behave, mens’ most valuable possession is their ability to get what they want out of a woman. To women, men’s most valuable possession is their willingness to be fooled and manipulated into doing the bidding of a woman.

Amidst all those apparent contradictions of compatibility, one man and one woman are made to mate. As the relationship expert, she produces and directs the play with such techniques that one man willingly obligates himself to produce/provide/protect/problem solve for her and her offspring. When she accomplishes that, her man sees her as her most valuable possession. But the match isn’t perfect. He becomes her most valuable possession.

 

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2092. Compatibility Axioms #501-510


All that follows below is based on the natures of men and women as they are born. Women have to figure out what’s best for them given the lessons they have learned in life and the relationships they enter.

501. Men flourish with a woman’s respect and gratefulness much more than her love and affection. [175]

502. Both individually and collectively, men are as handsome, charming, gentlemanly, and beneficial as women and ladies treat them. They are as unappealing, aggressive, and dominant as women call them. The self-fulfilling prophecy works both ways. [175]

503. If a woman helps a man build his castle, he primarily judges her effectiveness by how she supports what he does at work and play. He takes her support inside her nest for granted. [185]

504. If he won’t modify his habits in order to please her before they first have sex together, he sure won’t do it afterward. [185]

505. If attracted to a woman he respects or has not conquered, a man’s good side emerges. If his bad side shows up, and she can’t turn it around, he lacks respect for her. All men have both sides. [185]

506. A mature woman can adjust to her man’s sharp tongue much easier than he can cope with hers. [186]

507. When words are enough to conquer, that and little else is what men offer. [186]

508. She loves three little words. Com-mit-ment counts and so does, “What’s for dinner?” [186]

509. Virtual virginity buys time to earn a man’s devotion, which bonds more tightly than commitment. [186]

510. Women sing: ♫ I can do anything he can do better.♫ Men respond: ♫ Just you wait and see. ♫ [189]

 

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2074. Compatibility Axioms #481-490


All that follows below is based on the natures of men and women as they are born. Women have to figure out what’s best for them given the lessons they have learned in life and the relationships they enter.

481. Easy sex might promote shack up and even short marriage within the mind of her boyfriend. But, it won’t stir up the foundational respect needed for enduring love that survives the inevitable fading of romantic love. [171]

482. Girls cheapen themselves to attract a boyfriend, and success builds habit. Men don’t value cheap women except for sex, which forces such girls as women to bounce from one man to another. [171]

483. Men have access to too much easy sex to endure one female’s nagging and attempts to change him or his life. As one man said of his ex: “Somewhere, someplace, some guy is tired of her s_ _ _!” [171]

484. Promiscuity fends off men, not for her as temporary sex partner but as keeper. Encountering her past lovers threaten him after conquest but doesn’t discourage him before.  [171]

485. To prove their newfound sexual freedom, women abandon the greatest strategy for attracting, capturing, and keeping a man. That is, no sex without devotion and deep obligation developed and proven over an extended courtship (especially including fellatio). [171]

486. When she chases a man for his looks, she wants to impress him and be liked. However, he receives the message that she’s available and disposable. [172]

487. Go after the hunk and dislike what follows the bunk. After she beds the hottie, she’s as disposable as a nottie. Hunks learn early that they get what they want without giving of themselves. So, they keep getting and getting, which calls for someone else. [172]

488. A husband views his wife’s ‘constructive criticism’ this way: “I know it’s good for me. I just can’t stand so much goodness.” [172]

489. If he does not see that she needs him, he will become temporary. Her expressions of affection make her feel good, but they do not show her need for him as do her respect, gratitude, and dependence. [172]

490. Men don’t respect desperate people. A desperate woman is not a keeper and is dumpable without much remorse. [172]

 

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2054. Romance — Her Side of the Story


 As with so many things, the sexes differ dramatically about romance. As with affection, they have social contradictions that I tag with medical terms. She has romance deficit disorder. He has romance delivery disorder. Her story today, his tomorrow.

Women are born to be romanced. It confirms their self-importance, stimulates the satisfying disclosure of feelings for one another, generates self-gratitude, and provides conviction (without insurance) they are on the way to happiness. Romance is women’s payday for living graciously important lives, and they expect to be paid frequently according to the depth of a relationship.

Romance means exclusive attention, sweet compliments, whispered affections, expressions of devotion, reminders of her importance, confirmation of her worth, affirmation that her prettiness registers as beauty with someone, and actions that specifically confirm and don’t contradict the foregoing. Women can imagine a gazillion ways that men can convey and demonstrate such ‘simple’ things.

The opposite of men, her imagination stirs her curiosity. Her imagination can and often runs wild about a new guy of interest. Curious about why he doesn’t respond to her romance expectations, she finds no fault with herself. Instead, she easily blames him as inadequate romancer and in need of improvement.

Women take personally a man’s lack of romancing her. Consequently, they blame men as inadequate, which transmutes in practice as lack of respect of men, which weakens women’s influence, which makes men less interested in paying women for living graciously important lives.

On two counts, his lack and her curiosity, blame outweighs lack of romance as the culprit in modern day relationships. Women can live with lack of romance better than lack of a man. Lack of romance dulls her side of a relationship. Blame, however ruins his side. Blame spurs her into finger pointing mode; which spurs her to take to her mouth; which offends him; which generates resentment, resistance, and often retaliation; and which far too easily pushes him into departure mode.

I advise women to drop the blame game, period. It is always anti-female to finger men as faulty. Not that they aren’t, just that they don’t take kindly to women doing it and especially their mate. It inevitably works against her because her blame-based best intentions have negative influence.

Women can and should develop their own training techniques. She has to make it her habit to train men to romance her. It starts at first encounter, becomes vital in dating, and fully develops in courtship. By the time they become engaged, his habit should be well established to participate with her more closely, more affectionately, and more intimately. Effectiveness training her man determines the frequency and worth of her future paydays.

This question will arise so I shall answer ahead of it. How do you train a man to be a romancer? 1) Follow your heart, female instinct, and feminine intuition. Follow not what you think you’re owed, due, or need. Follow not what others tell you to expect in response to your initiatives. Follow not what your girlfriends do. Follow not what you wish for. Do what makes you feel more like a woman when you do something with him or yourself. If you hurt, wait for his solace. If you’re happy, don’t over play it. If he gets uncomfortable with you, let him dig himself out of the hole. Keep your self-interest as first priority; he has to catch and capture you. Reverse that last sentence and automatically poison your female nature for guiding you.

2) Require him to earn your affection, love, and worth as potential mate. Make him the seller and you the buyer in everything. If he does it with words, it doesn’t program his heart to favor you. If he does it with actions, you gain the maximum benefit of his heart programmed to your favor.

3) Gently and smoothly invite cuddling when just sitting around. Don’t push on him for anything. He must be lured. Let him get familiar with how easy you are to please when close together. Don’t tell him but gently and slowly encourage him to realize how important physical closeness is to you. He doesn’t need it; he has to learn to like it in his own heart, patiently slipped in by you. Don’t whisper sweet things to him expecting him to do the same; he won’t. You should hint and plant seeds that sweet words inspire you to greater things as date, girlfriend, fiancé, or wife. You can be especially effective while cuddled if you talk and act more as you did when he married you. He doesn’t want to talk or hear about the wedding; he wants to hear and see you duplicate yourself as his fiancé.

4) Regularly and frequently use a phrase I coined twisted to fit whatever the situation: Men are never more handsome than when they please their girlfriends/fiancees/wives with (as appropriate) sweet talk, whispers of devotion, violets, hand-picked wild flowers, cuddling up for TV, surprises, unexpected date night, date night just concluded, little gifts, unexpected thoughtfulness, waltzing her around the kitchen, singing to her, holding a pleasured smile in front of her face. Use it at every opportunity for even the slightest things that touch on romance.*

If you haven’t figured it out by now, “men are never more handsome” programs both hearts with appreciation of the other. It sweeps up many romantic ingredients into daily habits at whatever stage of relationship development.

Women know what they want and expect as romance from a man. They don’t, however, know how to get the quality or quantity they expect. Men don’t know much about what romance means to women. Even worse, they can’t figure out how to deliver whatever it is that women expect. It may become understandable with tomorrow’s post about his side of the story.

——

*The phrase works best when kept in third person, i.e., using ‘men are’ and ‘wives’ rather than ‘you’ and ‘wife’ or ‘me’.) As written it’s a compliment. As ‘you’ and ‘me’ it’s sucking up which earns suspicion rather than appreciation.

Also, until he becomes a more romantic guy, I suggest these not be used with the ‘men are never’ phrase: helping with the dishes, opening car doors, washing her car, taking out the trash, setting the table, planning for visitors. Unless, of course, she feels those things are part of romancing her.

 

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