Tag Archives: romantic love

2251. The 2-year glitch, 7-year itch, and 20-year switch


This was posted 1/19/08 as the 65th on this blog. It’s not been changed here.

It’s a cinch. Three monumental events face each marriage. Prevention starts years earlier. Avoidance is difficult. Recovery makes the steep slope slickier, but it toughens mates.

The two-year glitch arrives quietly as romantic love fades away in a couple’s second year together. Both undergo transformation. If an enduring kind of love has not developed mutually, separation is not far off.

The foundation for the man’s enduring love is laid in the respect she has earned, especially before conquest, and her likeability as a mate. The base of her enduring love is the current and anticipated gratefulness for him and what he does.

The seven-year itch arrives when his wandering eye opens. Devotion to her and commitment to vows are essential for survival.

She’s in charge. Seven years earlier she chose a man susceptible to wander. Or, she chose a man devoted instead of just committed to her; a man with sufficient character to honor his vows.

The twenty-year switch arrives when he wants to start over and hopes to do so with a trophy.

It’s a dream he’s harbored for years, because his sense of significance has been fading, needs rejuvenation, and he’s just dying to prove it to himself with an attractive woman.

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2158. Dating in Mid-life — Part B2: Chaste Courtship Works [492]


Relationship development begins at end of first date. Want it or not? It’s up to you, provided numero uno seller thought you numero uno buyer.

Life is a power game. So are relationships with these exceptions. Dating and successful courtships are predominantly an endless mind game. They require that you make your man more female friendly by subtly neutralizing two masculine drives, those for dominance and sex. You do so by substituting opportunities and promises that satisfy his urge to achieve, which is another primal urge that triggers his prime motivator for increasing his sense of self-admiration.

In effect, dating and courtship require that his feelings be drawn away from dominance and especially sex to magnify and focus on you and your interest. Your biggest challenge is to encourage him such that his romantic love morphs into enduring love, but you may have up to a year or more to make it happen.

Contrary to what women believe, lathering on your love and affection doesn’t win him. First, he doesn’t need it; he does like to see it however as confirmation that you like him and he’s making progress toward his objectives. Second, smothered with love reminds of mom, nurturing, and childhood, which may be too much and irritate if not offend him. He looks more for loyalty than affection.

The human mind works diligently to erase conflicting and disruptive thoughts or ‘noise’, aka cognitive dissonance. For erasing the noise, actions overpower feelings, e.g., action cures fear and conquest enlarges his significance. Consequently, deliberate actions can change one’s feelings.

Actions that contradict emotions overwrite feelings with new ones. For example, act as if you love someone, and love will blossom. Act as if you love them more and more, and love deepens.

Women do it naturally. Men don’t, which is why long non-sexual courtships work best to capture and hold a man. His actions, both trying to influence you to yield sex and simultaneously not displease you, program his heart with a sense of loyalty that over time grows into devotion.

You expect and he demonstrates his infatuation or romantic love with actions—flowers, gifts, hot dates, surprises, special attentions, and deep inquiries into your interests. Having to simultaneously suppress lustful urges creates both ‘noise’ in his thinking and desire to escape it. Hence, more action essentially invests himself deeper in you, which moves him ever so gently away from the noise and his intent to conquer.

Such actions also stimulate greater displays of infatuation in hope of getting you to yield sooner. More mental noise. Over time in a long courtship, his actions that confirm infatuation reprogram his heart and his lustful feelings into loyalty and dedication to you, aka devotion.

 

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2157. Dating in Mid-life — Part B1: You Gotta’ Know the Territory


Her Highness MeowMeow at 2153 asked about dating in one’s fifties. I expand it to ages 30 to 60 and deepen it to include developing (but not maintaining) a lifetime relationship. After all, that’s the unspoken objective and endless dream behind all dating for women in mid-life.

Some women too easily, however, give up before they exhaust the blessings they inherit at birth. They shouldn’t. Hope springs eternal from the heart of a woman, and by God’s design it enables you to make your world turn in your favor. Born to be happy, you earn it as you find and expand your gratefulness while searching, capturing, and relating with a man. Hopefully he’s valuable and beneficial for your mellowing lifestyle. But if he’s no better than adequate, it’s no reason to give up. You’re powerfully skilled to improve a relationship that starts out short of perfect.

Age doesn’t matter before first date if you exploit your relationship expertise. You aim at success. It calls for you to exploit your own strengths, compensate for your weaknesses, make the most of new man’s strengths, and ignore his weaknesses long enough to learn to also compensate for them. The female heart is wonderfully designed and powerfully blessed to exploit strengths and weaknesses and do it well. After learning, of course, and avoiding discouragement from the few or even more mistakes made along the way.

It all may sound too complex to fathom, but my role is to make the process simpler so you can make it easier for yourself and more meaningful for the next man in your life. I present this series in four major sections: a) the children (posted at 2156 and more to follow), b) relationship development process, c) your role, and d) the roles of men.

Relationship Development Process.

Others talk endlessly about the dating scene. Most women’s interest at every age, however, is about what dating leads to. It’s the start up to merging two or more lives together harmoniously and hopefully for life. So, all about dating that follows is designed to help women develop relationships that lead to permanency. All else is folderol or fun and games and irrelevant here.

By nature women are processors; they keep things going. Men are producers; they find satisfaction in making single events and results come out as intended. First date is a production and belongs to the man. Second date begins the relationship development process and your involvement. Being a series of events, dating one guy or many, the process works to the woman’s advantage or she’s not doing it right. That’s why women float along under the stewardship of each individual dater; return engagements are best produced by not driving the bus. Men are willing to deliver one date at a time, because they hope with minimal obligation to discover what price they must eventually pay to get you in bed.

You all know this but—especially during passionate moments—it’s inconvenient to remember it. Men date to associate and work up to getting sex. Women date to develop a lasting relationship. They compete. Each tries to sell the other on their agenda. He works directly but tries to disguise it with dynamic selling of himself. You work indirectly, and it takes you much longer to sell a man on your agenda. If you can’t find time and reason to hold him off and complete your sale, you yield first time sex and he wins and you may or may not lose him. What happens after his conquest is unknown until after it happens. He changes, and then you find out how accurate and true were his words. How he really, truly feels about you—or doesn’t. You take all the risk or you don’t get very far.

Unfortunately, that’s the only way for you to uncover a man’s intentions. Wait to see his actions and believe what he does after your first sex together, and locked in marriage is optimal. After his momentous conquest outside of marriage, he will be a changed man. He also takes charge of your sexual agenda as conqueror’s right, and you become keeper, booty, or dumpee. You don’t know which until the time comes, unless you have delayed conquest long enough for his devotion to you alone to have developed. That means months at least and perhaps a year or more of courtship.

Romantic love is often a scene stealer, disguiser of truth. It may or may not contribute to the enduring love that you hope will follow after romantic love fades a year or two after conquest.

Over the first few decades of life, the youthful attitudes of both sexes change. Out of unsuccessful relationships and soured marriages, the genders shy away from closeness except often for the mutual comfort of sex. But sex doesn’t bond men, only women.

Consequently, you are more interested than men for developing a relationship, and it generates three burdens for you in the dating arena. You have to virtually ignore risks to your feelings, learn to proceed cautiously, and have to earn the respect of each man you date. Moreover, development works best when you neither explain yourself or your feelings directly, nor try to convince him of your love with words. He believes much more easily what he figures out for himself.

You have to earn a permanent relationship. You do so by actions that show new man that he’s admired and favored over others. Oh, not on first date but both later and by indirectness. It enables him to see promise in you that can and likely will help fulfill his present life and future ambitions.

From day one you should claim these truths as part of your attitude. Men stay married when they sense themselves rewarded and admired for husbanding, fathering, and believing that only they can do as well at what they do best. That is, produce, provide, protect, and problem solve for those to whom they accept responsibility.

During dating and courtship, you should get your mind and heart wrapped around how to do your part in that scenario. After marriage is too late to start. Without it being habitual in your heart before marriage, the glow of bridal success will keep your focus elsewhere and thus hold you back. The absence of admiration, respect, dependence, and gratefulness for his presence in your life are toxic to a marriage, and so should be developed in courtship.

Men date for fun and games and put sex at the top of the priority list. When you don’t have a plan to follow, it releases men to follow their interest, which inevitably doesn’t work well for you. Expecting to develop a relationship, you do best when you have solid intentions that are more important in your heart than having a date or dates (more later about a plan).

That’s the territory. Now, let’s talk about the value of chaste courtships that fall automatically out of chaste dates and the promise of more chastity. It’s coming tomorrow at #2158.

 

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2153. Compatibility Axioms #671-680


671. A man’s natural pursuit of other females does not stop until one woman so captures his respect and captivates his imagination that he devotes himself to her alone. [234]

672. It’s a boob paradox. Women publicly appeal directly to the sexual interests of men. They capture men for sex, but they can’t hold one for long after infatuation, romantic love, and lust fade in a year or two. [234]

673. Men call it romance, whatever is required to initiate foreplay or sex. Women know romance as the special attention he pays her when sex is not at stake. [234]

674. She marries expecting him to change, but he doesn’t. He marries expecting her not to change, but she does. Both get what they don’t want. [234]

675. Erotic attire has one-person value: It puts the male mind on track to conquer or to show her off. Neither track is about her true self. [235]

676. After nakedness and conquest, there’s little left. Her ad campaign dies with conquest, as it kills his imagination except for future arousal. (Conquest is the man’s end-game. Booty sustains him between conquests.) [235]

677. Dating as a sex object plants the seed of booty for him but maybe only something better for her. [235]

678. Men want to move toward conquest at their pace. More mystery, modesty, and doubt about scoring slow it to her pace. [235]

679. Suggestive attire is more effective than erotic attire at energizing the imaginative side of the male mind. (The more he has to imagine, think, plot, and worry, the better for her.) [235]

680. The appeal of boobs lies in the challenge to get to them. Once uncovered, conquest is assured. [235]

 

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2146. Compatibility Axioms #661-670


  1. Virtual virginity is all about earning greater respect. A man’s enduring love—the kind of devotion that survives infatuation, lust, and romantic love that inevitably fade—is founded most deeply on respect that she earns and devotion that develops in his heart from the actions he takes to please her repeatedly, primarily if not all before conquest. [231]
  2. Nothing focuses a man’s mind so assertively on changing a woman’s mind than continued refusals for their first sex together. Continued refusals either earn his respect or departure, and that’s the only way she can find out what he’s after primarily—her or sex. [231]
  3. Trying harder and harder for conquest focuses his attentions on her. Looking for weaknesses, he uncovers her strengths, qualities, and virtues. Over time, it convinces him she is more worthy of his time, effort, and personal investment. Long courtships breed more of his investment opportunities for her to seal the connections. [231]
  4. His dominance will always be present or threatening, but greater mutual respect upgrades her opinions and enhances her influence. [231]
  5. When men have to make arrangements for their own meals, whatever woman pushes them to have to do it becomes more easily disposable. [232]
  6. Manly boredom and female attractiveness do not show up together. A man always enjoys looking at an attractive, pleasant looking female. When his woman looks sloppy and uncaring, boredom does set in and his interest goes elsewhere—perhaps to looking for something more attractive. [232]
  7. Men graciously live with the exaggeration that a man’s home is his castle. But it happens most reliably when his woman exploits her relationship expertise, showers him with gratitude, and recognizes him as head and her as neck of the family. Anything less is not a castle, and there’s a certain manly satisfaction looking for it somewhere else. [232]
  8. Men highly value feminine virtue, qualities they admire, because the promise of eventual conquest adds honor to his manly persona and significance. [232]
  9. Men intend to make themselves admirable (primarily to themselves) and their life significant (usually above all else). [232]
  10. Men love working or doing what they feel compelled to do. The most reliable men turn their life into loveable work both at home and on the job. (There’s an old saying, Show me a man that loves his job and I’ll show you a man that never has to go to work.) [232]

 

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2145. Unisex Fails Women


It’s been happening for half a century through six or seven generations of females, each of which seeks its own identity with a different lifestyle from previous ones.

Women possess some male hormones, and I use testosterone merely as example. Hormones respond to behavior. The more masculine-like is female behavior, the higher the level of Big T. The higher the level, the more masculine they act in response, so hormones and behavior trigger more of the other and spiral upward making women more like men. The reverse is true too. The more feminine women behave, the less T floods their body and the less they act like men.

Most men want to marry a virtuous woman, but she’s not virtuous enough unless she’s fascinating to him. Except for sexual potential, men see little or no fascination in women who act like men. Such women possess too few of the virtuous qualities that fascinate men.

Consequently, over 50 or so years women migrated from potential mates to undesirables for permanent relationships. They depend on romantic love to support their relationships. It fades in a year or two after conquest, and men are free to move on to another sex object, if they didn’t move on before.

The unisex movement is political and sprang out of Feminism. Ergo, feminist thinking, theory, and belief are responsible for short duration of marriages. But it’s really not that simple; that’s just the foundation. Unisex politics convinced women they should act more like men, which flooded them with more testosterone, which brought out more self-centered female aggressiveness that men find unpleasant, which cost women much of their non-sexual fascination, which lured men into sex-only relationships, which brought about the shortening of marriages.

The more feminine that women behave, the more likely they appear fascinating to men, and the more likely men see promise in them as lifelong mates. They are made that way in order to live compatibly with each other.

 

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2108. Soft-headed Sally


Women aren’t born soft-headed. Modern females’ soft-headedness leads them away from their best interests, into easy manipulation by men, and into self-delusion about the man each woman hopes to capture.

Soft-headed Sally thinks wrongly that sex bonds a man. She accepts a man’s words instead of taking time to judge his actions. She fails to recognize that he fills a different role, once they have sex together the first time.

SHS makes herself worthy of him instead of the other way around. She fails to call his bluff, when he threatens to drop her for being “hung up” about yielding sexually. She cannot separate a good man for carrying responsibility for others from a good man for fun and games. She cannot turn away from the self-centered man full of himself and venomous words that reduce her self-esteem and self-image and mine her self-interest for ways to make his life better.

SHS may try but is unable to teach young daughters how erotic attire arouses men many years older and may attract and easily incline some to stalk or become less inhibited about kidnapping, rape, and murder.

She fails to recognize that respect for women generally and deeper respect for his woman are the foundation of a man’s love of her. She cheapens herself by offering sex without his firmly committed obligations.

SHS believes in little except what others tell her, and so she falls for anything a man offers. She shapes her moral well-being around temporary feelings and hopes. She abandons the character shaping and guidance provided by God, religious morality, and her heart and will power. She is short of affirming self-esteem, -image, and -respect, so she cannot identify the lack of those conscience-shaping factors in a man.

She wants her own man so badly that she teams up with any male offer. She partners with a bad man and when dumped picks up with another loser, and then another…. She shapes her feelings around and with whomever she associates. She believes men are who they say they are.

She believes she can change a man, once she captures him with sex. She lives with endless hope that sex bonds him to her. She thinks that men are like women in their thinking, habits, and urge to constantly be together. She flaunts her co-dependency and faults her man when he has more important things to do. She too easily becomes jealous of the hold that his job has on him. That co-dependency is the enemy of their togetherness.

SHS calls herself victimized by drudgery when hubby fails to participate in household work, child care, and other domestic responsibilities and begrudges his independence from those things. And equal sharing of ‘drudgery’ is not enough. He should always do more. It’s not the work that puts her down but jealousy of his family role as lazy lounger when his workday ends. She can’t live with their different natures. The male nature makes a man satisfied with himself. After a completed day’s work, he turns to relaxation, rest, and restoration of energy for the next day. That, versus her female nature that urges her to brighten her tomorrows in spite of the endless string of things to do. He figures he does all he can today and will handle tomorrow whatever comes. She figures she has to plan/prepare for every contingency ahead; better to over than under prepare. Thus, SHS begrudges the side of her nature that directly supports her self-interest.

She is so caught up in romantic love that she lacks both knowledge and skill to generate a man’s enduring love for when romantic love fades. She assumes it fair and bonding to tell each other about their sexual histories, when she can do few things worse. It shrinks her uniqueness and fascination.

SHS fails to recognize that men evaluate her character and non-sex assets before they first have sex. Afterwards he pays less attention to what else she has to offer. (Hollywood and TV work diligently to hide this part of the male nature; they prefer to show the wishful but fruitless thinking of females. As a result, male dominance expands in the social and domestic arenas.)

She fails to comprehend that men as hunter-conquerors appreciate greatly that which fights back, must be wrestled under control, and ultimately yields to his courage, intensity, persistence, and imaginative design of ways to conquer. Sexual targets that do otherwise earn little or no respect from him.

She doesn’t know the steep price she pays for easily yielding sex the first time with him. Without making him work to be worthy of her, without testing him with everyday commitments, without making him spend time and effort in her company sans sex, she makes herself easy and his ego is not stroked with the joy of an earned victory. Easy-to-get sex earns her very little respect and even less holding power. Sex only satisfies his raw appetite. When his ego is deeply massaged by hunting and overcoming of all obstacles to conquering her, his self-respect, respect for her, and her holding power over him skyrocket. This still does not mean that he will stay with her, but she has no better form of insurance.

SHS cheapens sex by using it to capture men. This cheapens her. Men will hang around her until another sex target comes in view, and some may even go through the process of linking up, shacking up, and maybe marrying up. But, split up is not far behind the fade of romantic love.

Both Hard-hearted Hannah and Soft-headed Sally figuratively spit in the eye of their man. They feel pumped up with feminist theory and new ‘rights’ they now have, such as sexual freedom. Men buy into greater sexual freedom but not much else. Compensated with frequent, convenient, and unobligated sex, men go along for the ride. But, the ride does not include the respect, honor, devotion, and dedication that females expect to see from their spouse.

 

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