2343. RANDOM THOUGHTS—Group 99

Our forefathers sought to marry a virtuous woman, which is most easily translated as masculine admiration of feminine qualities. Modern men seek to marry a fascinating woman, which is most easily translated as sex appeal with her as seller and him as buyer. Virtuous means she’s worth the risk. Fascinating means no risk to him.

A woman can see a man being in love with her by merely imagining and wanting to believe it so badly that small indications of interest or commitment for sex substitute for his devotion. They have first sex together and her bonding confirms that she’s right. However, men are not like that. They neither bond with sex nor need devotion to conquer.

Doesn’t the Manosphere come to mind as the direction in which society trends today? Players abound for sex and go. Cougars thrive proudly. Men disrespect females and dodge responsibility for children. Dating has been corrupted to meet, greet, hook up, and now threesomes of one or both sexes. Men make no investment of self, when sex is available almost without effort.

Men avoid or leave marriage for many reasons including: 1) Fear caused by women using it to trap and financially rape husbands. 2) The female personality has turned untenable for living together; wife blames husband and his respect of her dissolves. 3) Wife turns out to be someone other than the person and personality he married. 4) Female habits birthed in feminist thought turn women unacceptable for permanent mating; men refuse to put up with her s***.

Women avoid or leave marriage for many reasons including: 1) Men or husband expects to come before her career plans. 2) Men expect to come before children of single moms. 3) Men lack sense of family responsibility. 4) Husband is emotionally unsuited to find and keep a job. 5) Lure of other females induces husband to cheat and divide his loyalty. 6) Husband’s inattention to wife’s needs. 7) Lure of men more attractive for showing affection and with apparent ability to better fulfill wife’s needs. 8) Husband turns out to be someone other than the reliable person she anticipated.

2266. A Man’s Love: The Reality of It

I define love as what holds them together as a couple. With her it’s emotional connections, obligations, and behaviors. With him, well…we’ll see.

I purposely bypass the importance of her attractiveness or the rest doesn’t happen. Also, I bypass the consequences of conquest as it may or may not affect the following.

A woman identifies the evident or imagined commitment and devotion of a man as his love of her. Men act differently. Not that her love isn’t appreciated, but manly love isn’t like female expressions of it.

A man identifies a woman’s love of him as the reciprocal of his love of her; it initiates in his heart and develops mutually or it isn’t love to him. His love is her likeability to him and his loyalty to her; plus his likeability to her and her loyalty to him. To his logical and reasoning mind, without reciprocity it isn’t his love. Also, he doesn’t remain in situations where his investment isn’t matched or bettered, so his love isn’t as anchored in deep emotion as that of a woman.

For a marriage to last, their mutual likeability and mutual loyalty should regularly confirm them as satisfied with their mating arrangement. It’s what a married man expects. It carries an ominous meaning for women unless they learn how to exploit their relationship expertise.

However hard and dedicated she tries, her love alone isn’t enough to sustain her marriage. It’s essential for her to show it or her love of husband fades, but it isn’t enough for him. Appreciated and perhaps honored, but not enough.

It begs the question: What else is needed? She aims her words, expressions of love, and other behaviors toward objectives that satisfy or confirm the following or at least don’t weaken or contradict them.

• Remaining likeable in his eyes.
• Keeping herself appearing loyal to him.
• Treating him as if he’s very likeable to her.
• Appreciating his loyalty to her.

All of which he should see in actions more than words. If she’s successful doing all that, he absorbs confirmation that their love is mutual and that he’s doing the right thing staying with her. Good return on investment of his independence.

Which of course begs this question: What does she get in return for her investment? Something other than separation and perhaps lifetime marital success. A better husband, which suggests she’s a better wife. Perhaps a man more enthused about family responsibility. Confirmation that her effort makes her important to their relationship. Being more easily loved and perhaps with a happier husband eager to display his affection.

The list could go on to greater satisfaction for her. She’s doing what it takes to keep her man directly involved in the mating scheme of life. It’s not likely to go wrong unless she begrudges doing what is required for success, which registers as her lack of likeability of and disloyalty to him and ends his love.

P.S. Men inherit at birth the way they love as described above. It’s up to the women in their lives—moms, chaste girls, bachelorettes, and wives—to teach them to love in ways more pleasing to women.

——

NOTE: There! It sounds again as if I alibi for men. No intent to do so. Just trying to figure out the truth of life. The more I figure out how men and women interact as couples, the more burdensome it seems for women. But, I’m reassured by this fact. It’s why they are the superior gender; they have all the talent, skill, and fortitude to shape their lives successfully in pursuit of their girlhood hopes and dreams. They just need to learn how to use their God-given, natural, and hormonal strengths.

Respectfully,

Guy

2258. Compatibility Axioms #821-830

821. He’s never eager to admit fault about his sexual prowess. Nor should he be excused, but she ventures onto rocky terrain when she brings it up. [281]

822. Commitment to a relationship does not mean she’s cherished. Neither does commitment energize a man the same way or extent that devotion does. Devotion begins cherishment; the more he devotes himself to her over his interests enables cherishment to grow. [281]

823. Men can be changed slowly but don’t always expect success. They dig in their heels when not done with the respect they expect and the indirectness and patience that makes her seem to defer to him. [281]

824. Men may be insensitive clods to women. But they consider their manly sexual expertise and boudoir manner to be exceptional if not extraordinary. To them, it makes up for their shortcomings.[281]

825. Virtual virginity works better than bed-testing before marriage. It conditions his thinking that she’s highly sensitive and possessive about what she expects of him. [281]

826. Women make unmarried sex so easy that men don’t have to pay attention to her needs, drives, and desires. But doubts arise about her history and worth for marriage, if she’s too easily conquered. [281]

827. What one generation allows, the next practices. [284]

828. Living by high moral standards reinforces a girl or woman as right, proper, and courageous. Not living that way makes her easy prey for abuse by boys and men. [284]

829. If she’s easy with sex, she’s of doubtful quality to the Marrying Man. [284]

830. Morality serves women and children much more than men. Highly moral cultural values apply pressure on everyone to make society more female friendly. [284]

 

2254. Masculine Love in Six Stages

It’s another paradox of human nature. Primarily men are producers and women are processors. Yet, women can produce a loving relationship almost instantaneously while masculine love develops through a six-stage process.

Women tend to measure a man’s love by the way she loves; that is, displays of care, affection, and frequent confirmation of their importance one to the other with the firm conviction that words are adequate to convey feeling. Men don’t do it that way. Masculine feelings develop from and tend to follow their actions instead of either his or her words.

A man’s love of a woman is a methodical process that develops in six stages. First, he finds her likeable enough to be loyal to her. Second, he sees that she finds him likeable enough to be loyal to him. Third, he uses words to commit himself to court her exclusively (although she probably initiates it). Fourth, he frequently and repeatedly pleases himself by pleasing her with actions that reflect her importance to him. (She shouldn’t expect it to match her expectations for affectionate words and intimacy.) Fifth, after months of such actions that program his subconscious, devotion develops in his heart. Her worth to him rises and the possibility of having to do without her stirs his imagination. Sixth, imagined anxiety of losing her stirs him to doubling his effort to please her for that purpose rather than to please himself. Thus, he cherishes her.

All women want to be cherished, but some make mistakes that harm their relationship. Here are a few female reactions that sours cherishment:

• Being cherished is woman’s idea both in concept and whether she is cherished or not. Men treat their woman as it makes them feel good about themselves. If they enjoy pleasing her, then it could be devotion or cherishment but what to call it or what it means is of little concern to them. Bringing up such subjects turns men off. It’s too close to relationship management.
• He’s a pushover for what she wants or expects out of him. His cherishing her reminds her of puppy love. Too much fawning over and submissive to her, and so she loses respect.
• She feels deprived that signs of his love are not expressed as affection and intimacy. So, she seeks to have him change his habits. A man may change to suit the woman he cherishes, but it reminds that the most important person in his life doesn’t like him, which is one of the four legs that holds a man’s love together.
• She expects to hear more than she sees if she is so cherished. So, frustrations set in and she tries to fix it by pressuring him to be more intimate with words. It points in another way that he’s inadequate; few women can do that and keep their relationship.
• Being cherished is the best she can get out of a man. Does she deserve it? From him? Or, should she have chosen less of a man because that’s all she deserves? Guilt anyone?
• She doesn’t think she’s good enough to be cherished by him. Consequently, what should be a swollen self-image shrinks, her self-worth slides down, and she easily becomes depressed. It sends subliminal but undeserved messages to him that he’s less than adequate as her mate, which reminds that if not her, he knows he’s a good mate for someone else.
• She deserves magnificent gifts as proof that he cherishes her. She grows to resent gifts or signs of less value than she deserves, which makes those less than magnificent reduce his value to her, which rebukes his cherishing her, which demeans his efforts to please her, which makes her less likeable, which means her loyalty isn’t trustworthy, which kills his love.

If she expects to be cherished with words, she’s in for disappointment; men primarily cherish through actions. Loyalty earns commitment, which is foundation for devotion to develop, which morphs into cherishment if she provides the time and allows him to please himself by pleasing her. The greatest price she has to pay is to remain as likeable and loyal to him as he expects.

2216. Compatibility Axioms #771-780

771. Men are on a mission to deliver their form of temporary love with a prepackaged agenda. Virtual virginity forces him to repackage himself with consideration for other things such as her virtues, character, and personal preferences. The process that accompanies delayed sex leads to commitment and his actions in appreciation of her likeability leads to devotion. (See the series titled Virtual Virginity for ways to deter or slow him down.) [266]

772. Women can talk about it—to other women, that is. But, talking to their man about his sexual expertise requires more caution and indirectness than that used in international diplomacy and negotiation, where phrases can sometimes have double, different, or even opposite meanings. [266]

773. It takes a lot of time and desire for a man to figure her out mentally and emotionally. He’s preoccupied with figuring her out physically. And vice versa, he keeps those things separated in his mind.[266]

774. Competition in a married couple’s decision making generates incompatible emotions. It worsens like an untreated infection and stirs his dominant nature. Competition stimulates thoughts about her as dispensable; her likeability declines. [267]

775. Cooperation breeds compatibility and demonstrates to him that he’s indispensable. As men become more indispensable, they grow in steadfastness and devotion to whatever they are doing. Cooperation works more like exercise to strengthen his habits than her apathy which weakens his dedication. [267]

776. She determines whether competition or cooperation prevails in their home. By competing less and cooperating more, she capitalizes on their opposed but compatible natures. It improves her chances of moving him toward indispensability and keeperhood. [267]

777. Persistently rejecting boys’ offers for first-time sex teaches girls to ‘read’ and evaluate things more important than looks and love—i.e., his conscience, values, attitudes, and true interest in her. [269]

778. Ignore or pardon red flag character traits to enter a relationship, and girls enter an unknown world without map and compass. [269]

779. By age 21 she should score 100% on this test: Distinguish a man’s devotion for her as a unique woman from another man’s commitment to join her for a close relationship. [269]

780. Virtue makes a person shine relative to others. Conscience is virtue honored by strength of character. Virtuous character outshines physical attractiveness over a long marriage.  [269]

2167. Dating in Mid-life — Part C5: More Personal Planning

First, you have advertise. Then you meet. Then you screen. Then you accept his invitation to date. I suggest you plan what you want and how you will get those things by talking to yourself in the mirror. You will also get to know yourself better, which means more confidence and dedication to your mission of dating anew. Your best friend in the mirror will also help convince you that dating is to find a man worthy of you rather than making yourself worthy and available for even the most gorgeous of men. (There ain’t no Mr. Right until you make him so.)

You are precisely in life today where you have chosen to be. Whoever, whatever, and wherever you are produced the results you see in the mirror. The fact that you seek a date means you need an upgrade. Every gal needs it periodically even if not dating. Makeover? New clothes? New hairdo? More neatness? More feminine? More modesty? More mystery? Less selfish? Less weight? More other-centeredness? More lighthearted persona? More smiles? Reinforced sincerity to prevent using phoniness to get immediate gratification? You’ll figure out what you have to have or just want, if you spend enough time with your reflected best friend.

Perhaps you can or should improve all of the above. The more time you spend at the mirror, the more and better you will figure out just what needs to be done to satisfy you (which never happens anyway except temporarily). Why is it important?

Simultaneously, you will be reinforcing your self-image, your picture of self, which governs how you live your life. We all act according to the picture we have of ourselves. When we ‘fall out of line’, do something out of character for example, we either alibi it to ourselves or others, correct it if we can, or apologize if we should. IOW, we take some action when we fail to stay within the limits set by our self-image of who we are, what we do, and how we live life.

But let’s move on. Stay away from cleavage, exotic, and erotic. You can expect those things will get you invited for dates. But, when a date’s mind gets transfixed on sex first, it doubles the difficulty for you to convert his interest back to your person. If you’re not his primary interest, his actions to please you won’t likely develop into devotion, just commitment for temporary sex.

Sometime, and I suggest at the mirror, you need to specify to yourself just where you stand on values, standards, and expectations to control his behavior. If you don’t expect these things, they will not happen. For example, these should be minimal:

• You expect to be treated respectfully as person, female, and guest of a presumed gentleman.
• He must respect your modesty religion, moral standards, and whatever you choose to disclose about family, friends, and self.
• He can’t touch your erogenous zones if uninvited and you don’t expect invitations to be forthcoming until…? (I suggest after his diamond commitment. Nothing sacred about it, but deep arousal should be delayed as long as it takes him to become devoted to you.)
• Foul language is unwelcome. (It’s an easy distinguisher to separate you from other women, make you unique among your competitors.)
• Sex is not a discussable topic unless you mention it. If he brings up the subject of sex, you counter with the subject of marriage. Keep the latter going until he stops the former. The objective being to get off sex rather than stay on marriage. (But, incidentally, if he can’t abide you mentioning marriage, it’s a red flag that he can’t think about it.)
• Finally, have a few ways of making him uncomfortable when he goes too far for your comfort, or objectives, or intentions, or pledges to yourself. Find other softer ways to say, No ring, no booty.

All of the above enable you to take stands that earn respect simply because you claim them as who you are, and you do it with pride, confidence, and disregard for whether others like it or not.

If you really want to seal the deal of venturing into the dating arena with a stronger and more appealing presence, I suggest that conclusions you make at the mirror be transcribed into a journal. Put in writing what you commit to about yourself, standards, and expectations. For example, what red flags are sufficient to call it off for a man?

Now ladies, I recognize that I have been talking like a man. You all know how to water down my rhetoric and make it more relevant to your condition with less directness and more understanding. Essentially, that applies throughout this mid-life dating series. In the process of being indirect except for offenses that you won’t stand for, you’ll know how to do it better and more polished than I describe it.

 

2159. Dating in Mid-life — Part B3: Elephant in the Room

Here’s politics in the raw. During your first date, two conquerors face off. He seeks sex without obligation, but expects to pay some price that you determine and he hopes to minimize. You seek a permanent relationship by doing whatever you think it will take.

I think of successful relationship development in four stages that develop progressively and remain dependent on each other. 1) His interest matches your likeability. 2) His loyalty matches your love. 3) His commitment matches mutual promises of sexual fidelity. 4) His devotion matches your plans for your future together. But an elephantine risk for you lurks in the background.

His primal and endless urge to conquer attractive women has spotlighted you as a target. Don’t disregard the importance of that urge hardwired in his psyche. Be prepared, know what’s forthcoming if you yield sexually.

This is the elephant: He will reveal a different persona if and when he conquers you. The elephantine risk is whether you will end up as keeper, booty, or dumpee.

Conquest releases his nature to hunt again, and you discover what you really mean to him. You tame that elephant if you successfully develop a mutually loyal relationship while dating. Then in courtship you expand promises of loyalty to commitment and on to mutual devotion, which effectively ties the elephant’s leg to a well-anchored peg in the ground.

Your importance to a potential conqueror does not guarantee that you will remain important to him after conquest. If he hasn’t pledged exclusive loyalty based on good character, committed faithfully based on words of integrity, or become devoted to you so obvious in his actions—all before you yield—then he feels no obligation to refrain from hunting elsewhere.

Devotion to one woman is the only thing that truly tames—not kills, just tames—a man’s hardwired hankering to conquer attractive women. Devotion develops out of his daily actions and reinforcing words designed to please himself by pleasing you. Growth toward devotion also energizes him to not disappoint you. He routinely if not often enough pleases you and finds opportunity to please himself for lifting your spirits whether you need it or not. He goes all out on your behalf when you hurt inside or outside. Furthermore, his actions and attentions are consistent and persistent and not dependent on his convenience.

When we see a man who falls in love at first sight, we see devotion formed instantaneously. It isn’t the love that females sense and claim. Masculine loyalty and faithfulness spring out with effects that match female love.

A lot of time is required to tame and then peg that elephant to the ground. Months and perhaps a year or more depending on you and your romance target. You have by far the greater challenge, which is why God gave you relationship expertise. You  hold him off sexually while making and keeping yourself attractive, likeable, and loyal to his satisfaction. Your wordy expressions of love don’t work nearly as well as those qualities; his primary sensor is eyes and not ears, his expectation is satisfaction and not happiness.

However, a natural process exists that you can use. No guarantees, but the odds favor you as successes accumulate inside the process described as He Walks Himself to the Altar (coming later).

I almost forgot. In the dating arena, the elephant shrinks in size with aging. Huge at age 30, by age 60 it should be dwarf-size, perhaps self-tied to the peg in the ground, and of little risk or threat. You ladies know how to adjust according to the age of your romance targets.

Risk takers win, and that’s for tomorrow at #2160.

2147. Three Little Words: How They Work

Those three little words are overrated. Oh, I don’t suggest they not be used. I suggest that due diligence be paid to the likely impact they have on the sexes, because they register differently both in delivery and reception.

A man’s words impact his mind but don’t program his heart. A woman’s words program both mind and heart. Her “I love you” leads her to also act it out, which reinforces that she does love him. It doubles the dosage of obligating her to him, because her heart and mind are much more closely interconnected than those of males.

Men are quite different in how they hear three little and other words. He hears them, but they don’t register deeply within him; they do little to impress him. His ears are not the sensitive and believable sensors that hers are. If her loving actions accompany or follow her words, then he can begin to believe her love. Men believe what they see and figure out; they don’t believe what they are told until they see evidence of actions that support and reinforce.

On the delivering end, a man says, “I love you.” It isn’t the same obligation that her words carry, because unlike women his words don’t program his heart. Unless his words originate with his heart as the result of his having acted over time as if he loves her, his words mean little although they may carry intent. (But what’s that old saying about the road to hell is paved with good intentions?)

That’s why commitment promised by men ends up disappointing women who act on a man’s words. Commitment primarily serves men, because in matters of love their words are relatively cheap while women value them the same way that women value their own words.

Manly devotion serves women, but it requires time, his actions, and her patience for a man to program his heart with actions that please him for pleasing her and that end up favoring her above all others. Her femininity, uniqueness, and patience keep him interested long enough for him to find virtues that accumulate into fascination and to whom he devotes his interest above all else. Then a man loves her (as women wish they would from the get go).

To men, words are for the purpose of getting what they want. They are hunter-conquerors and competitors. Words are their weapons when physicality is inappropriate; when might can’t make right; and when faced with feminine mystique, female modesty, and appealing vanity that they can’t comprehend much less understand well enough to compete for fear of losing.

In other words, the immovable objects of the dominant sex can be moved by the irresistible force of the superior sex when women pay less attention to masculine words, exploit their feminine nature, and induce men into figuring them out rather than the reverse.