2166. Dating in Mid-life — Part C4: Fail to Plan and You Plan to Fail

Dating success follows certain principles that govern the interaction for a developing relationship. Many functions are key.

You’re the tick, he’s the tock. You specialize in showing interest in him and then listening. You respect and enable him to communicate directly and you respond as indirectly as polite. He’s selling himself, so let him. If necessary, you show interest in him and he responds. You enable him to lead and make your spirit of cooperation to shine in his favor.

Howsomeever, as I used to hear country folk declare an upcoming contrary thought, you compete directly and even get in his face if necessary to 1) defend your sexual standards and expectations against his insistence and persistence, or 2) terminate what’s happening and put an end to the date or relationship.

Forget these two things that mean so much to you.

1. You can’t make him like you, especially if you try. Trying alone makes you do the wrong things. Example: Relying on three little words may help but it’s really insignificant; men judge on actions primarily and seldom on words. Be yourself. Make him win your affection, make himself worthy of you; he doesn’t appreciate unearned gifts.
2. Don’t try to impress him and don’t even disclose whatever affection you may have for him, except to say you like him—somewhat, starting to, perhaps even teasingly, but never a helluva lot. Mystery, remember? To like him some and respect him a lot are enough for him. He believes it better anyway if he figures for himself that your actions signify your affection to be real.

Instead of affection, express your admiration. That’s what he’s after. The masculine counterpoint to the female’s determined affection for sharing affection is earning self-admiration and yours is appreciated. Admiration simply registers with men more deeply than affection.

He either likes you as you are—virtues and shortcomings—and wants to keep you by his side. Or he doesn’t. When you’re being your true self, you can’t do much more to keep him alongside. If he quits selling himself to you, it’s all over. If you try to sell yourself to him, you act like a pushover, and his objective shifts to sex, which makes you booty or disposable after conquest.

Don’t be phony. A marriage likely won’t succeed very long if the wife shows up as different from the bride he married. So, phoniness is destructive long-range although you may gain some benefits in the near term.

Be quick to defend yourself instinctively and intuitively against any offense to your sense of good order and self-discipline, his displeasing you, embarrassing you, and especially his disrespecting you. Those things you don’t want to live with need to be disclosed when they first appear. The more you stand up for yourself pleasantly but uncompromisingly, the more respect you will earn and a man’s love is based on respect for women generally and you specifically.

Two things hold a man’s attention long enough to impress him with your respectability: refusing sex and standing up strongly for your dignity, values, and standards as both person and woman. Your objections not only earn his respect but make him uncomfortable, and discomfort changes a man’s behavior to favor you.

Out of all the above, you focus, perhaps re-learn some things and unlearn others, and use your superior relationship expertise to guide and shape dates into progressive steps of relationship development. It’s easy for me to spout it on screen, but you get both the fun and anxiety.

 

562. Choices Program the Heart — Part II: Background

 I dedicate this series to Princess Jessica who said: “What we allow into our minds programs us in sooooo very many ways…. Please expound.” This is the most complex series and difficult subject I have undertaken to simplify. Hope it works for you. (Part I is at post 555.)

Both mind and heart are continually changing, because they can be programmed and reprogrammed by Self, others, and even surroundings. The results make the difference in whether we just survive the storms of life or learn to dance in the rain, whether we live in harmony with a mate or not, whether we’re happy or not. This series focuses on programming caused by others and surroundings.

The subconscious mind absorbs much of what the conscious mind misses or ignores. For example, subliminal advertising repetitively flashes a word—e.g., PEPSI—on TV screen. It flashes too quickly for the conscious mind to perceive. Nevertheless, it penetrates the subconscious mind, unconsciously affects one’s current feelings, and creates some desire for the product.

In similar fashion, feelings, values, standards, and expectations residing in our subconscious mind can be gradually changed without our being aware. Witness how the sexual revolution has changed female thinking away from their instinctive hard-headedness and soft-heartedness to the opposite when dealing with men or trying to keep a man.  

Other people manipulate our minds by using programmable techniques and pressures, such as those used by advertisers, propagandists, and cultural change agents such as political correctness advocates and community organizers.

Consequently, programming flows out of choices we make consciously or surroundings we deliberately or even absent-mindedly accept, but which program our heart in background mode.

The female, being naturally soft-hearted and energized by feelings, more easily buys into and accepts surrounding influences. She does so, that is, unless she exercises her natural hard-headedness and objects or withdraws from surroundings that offend her sensibilities, her sensitivity to moral or ethical issues.

Details follow soon.

533. Non-judgmental? Ha! Ha!

Women don’t know enough about the male nature, especially how the self-fulfilling prophecy impacts men. However respect is perceived, it breeds more of the same. (Why not? Soft-hearted mothers know intuitively to use SFP rearing their children.) Still, who teaches these three lessons?

1.     More respect shown to another, without their having to earn it, improves their respectful behavior; it also bounces back as enhanced respect for the originator. We quickly learn to like those that show us respect, and we wish not to disappoint them.

2.     Lack of respect both returns and spreads as less respect. Negative expressions are far more powerful, unforgettable, and contagious than positive reinforcements that compliment.

3.     Self-respect does much to govern one’s own behavior. Respect shown by others reinforces that which formed in childhood. The greater one’s self-respect, the more respect one has for and shows to others. So, mothers have a major role in breathing mutual respect into the social fabric. (The hand that rocks the cradle, etc.)

This two-part series opened and now closes with this thought: A man’s love is founded on unconditional respect of all females and conditional respect of individuals. The foremost thing he expects from his woman is respect demonstrated through actions as opposed to words. Her gratitude is next most important.

If Womanhood or individual women can’t or won’t show greater respect for the male gender and individual men, women can expect to be loved by men at some level of loyalty, dedication, and devotion below that which they expect or long for.

529. Non-judgmental? Ha!

Few see this cause and effect: Modern men are not respected as they expect. Modern women are not treated as they want to be. The connection is direct. Like it or not, we all send messages about others as reflected against our own values, standards, and expectations.

☼    If we don’t respect a person, we pay less attention to how they feel, act, and treat us. Our beliefs about Self do not adjust to their judgments about us. We may even do the opposite, as children often do when they don’t respect parents. 

☼    Now, shift to people that we respect. They believe something about us and treat us accordingly. Whether positive or negative, because we respect them, we come to believe it too, which then translates into us acting more as they expect.

☼    Proportionality works too. More respect for the person generates easier acceptances by us. Repetition tends to more easily change or reinforce our beliefs about ourselves—again, whether good or bad, positive or negative, liked or disliked.

☼    If we feel better or bigger about ourselves as result of input from others, our respect for them grows. If we feel less so, our respect wanes or disappears. In essence, their expectations for us are fed back to them as our expectations for them. Non-judgmental? Ha!

Unfortunately, feminists and political correctioneers have turned off the respect switch between genders. Propagandized females extend it to the micro level of individuals. Consequently, modern females live up to the expectations of feminist radicals and their ilk more than their man.

When women learn to accentuate the positive about respecting the male gender and especially their man, they will be treated more like they want to be treated. For example, women can’t expect men to act like gentlemen, if women don’t act like ladies FIRST.

509. The ABCs Revisited

A matriarchy has never arisen in more than seven millennia, but feminists keep trying. There’s gold in patriarchy for women who commit to mining it.

Background. Our foremothers before the Sixties made patriarchal men recognize and implement greater friendliness with female values, which also enabled children to play outside without fear of predators. The sexual revolution brought something different: Masculine disrespect of females and god-awful endangerments to children.

Hope. God and Nature energize men and women to compete to shape home and society. Male friendly customs regarding sex produce unfriendly values and conditions for women and children. Female friendly values regarding life require female dominance of sexual matters.

Females make male dominance tolerable by neutralizing the male’s conquering spirit and discouraging or suppressing his unmarried sex drive. For example, men do whatever women require in order to have frequent and convenient access to sex. If women require marriage, men marry. If married women are faithful and unmarried women are chaste, men stay married, and monogamy popularizes itself. Such conditions make trophies pretty things instead of play things.

When females exploit their uniqueness, it enables wives to dominate home and culture* and husbands to dominate workplace, and society*—a reasonable and fair balance that quiets more than offends men. (Unmarrieds of both sexes are much less effective at promoting female friendly values; their interests for doing so are weak.)

Values made and shaped in the home spread, interact, and coalesce into culture. Husbands follow cultural values to govern the workplace and shape society. Wives staff the back offices that ever so subtly govern how husbands do business in the front office.

Females determine how males respond to female uniqueness. Mothers and grandmothers plant and nurture values within young boys, girls tame pubescent boys, and women domesticate grown boys aka boyfriends, lovers, live ins, husbands, exes, wannabes, and discards. If women do well, male dominance weakens and patriarchy fades. (If women don’t conspire, they should. It’s how radical feminists tore down the greatest social structure in the world.)  

The power base created by dominating home and culture enables wives to condition the male mind and shape male behavior to honor and promote family, female, and child interests. Men and especially husbands take opposite-sex interests to work, shape society accordingly, and figure out how they can still exercise their dominance in a less patriarchal society. Our expert foremothers made our pragmatic forefathers look good yielding much of their dominant spirit.

Women come first in the ABCs, next.  

* Society is what people do. Culture is why they do it.

472. What Moms Never Hear — D: Source Code

Values, standards, and expectations add to a person’s belief system. Children too, and they mostly come in that order.

J Children naturally look for and primarily absorb values from parents in the weans, heroes in the tweens, and peers in the teens.

J Values absorbed in the weans and tweens determine vulnerability of teens to peer pressure. The more that parents and mature heroes are copied and duplicated, the less that immature teen values, customs, and expectations will be attractive and adopted.  

J Not implanting a moral foundation weakens a child’s belief system with doubts, uncertainties, and lack of guidance. Combined with puberty’s hormones, it endangers the pubescent years with low self-esteem, negative self-image, and doubtful self-interest. Teen extremes will follow.

J Mom is best qualified to teach good and evil and other moral standards in babyhood and toddlerhood.

J Mother is best qualified to inculcate—and father to enforce—obedience to things higher than the child—e.g., God, duty, religious standards, dad, mom, teachers, authority figures, laws, customs, family loyalty, parental expectations, sibling respect.

J Filled with moral, religious, and mature adult-like values and aspirations, a child is well armored against teen pressures, values, and vicissitudes. The mind empty of such things is vulnerable.

Adult thinking and mature feelings enable the adolescent to recognize immature values for what they are and judge whether appropriate for him or her.

Parents also need development. See post 474.

468. What Moms Never Hear — A: Intro

I dedicate this series to Her Highness Marianne. Dealing with teen boys concerns her, as it does others, so this series will look at prepping boys and girls for the teens.

Raising kids can be simplified with clearer terms and concepts. I place on the table the following high-impact themes as openers:

M RESPECT—How parents respect and treat each other is more vital than how they treat their children. (This presumes conscientious parents and the absence of abuse and maltreatment.)

M AUTHORITY—When parents disrespect adults and discredit authority figures, kids learn and will act the same way toward the parents.

M ROLES—By not specializing in distinctly different roles, parents generate unneeded confusion, mistakes, resentments, and power struggles that confound parental development. It compounds to weaken child development.

M VALUES—Children inherit, adopt, and otherwise absorb their values from three sources: parents, heroes, and peers. But it happens respectively in three phases of development.

M DISINTEREST—Mental growth causes disinterest with techniques and ‘motivators’ that parents use. One impact: Love and nurturing lose their energizing influence after the weans. This mandates that parents develop themselves.

Next post facto: Mom’s Song.

436. Do women know jack about Jack? —Part 23

♂ Jack becomes Mr. Right in three steps: First, his Jill picks him more for husbanding and fathering potential than being ‘right’. Second, she shows gratitude for his providing, protecting, etc. Third, she coaches him into good husbanding and fathering. Her successes elevate him to Mr. Right, if he’s to get there. 

♂ Jack is obvious. Commitment you hear, devotion you see.

♂ Except for emotions considered macho and manly, Jack doesn’t easily express his personal feelings. Jill’s prying for details turns him off.

♂ A long courtship without sex separates Jack the player from the Marrying Man. One values her for sex only and drops out when he doesn’t get it. The other values her for Self and stays to the end.

♂ At the cultural level where values are shaped, Jills lead, and Jacks follow. At the society level where values are implemented, the reverse occurs.

♂ As with all of us, Jack performs better when he lives for something bigger or someone higher than himself. Another reason why married men are more successful and live longer than their uncommitted, unattached male brothers.