2825. Love is Never Enough — 05: How Come?

Why is love not enough to hold a couple together? It is too easily overwhelmed by fault-finding, criticism, and blame. Today she’s lovey-dovey, yesterday she was emotionally inflamed by something he did or didn’t do; tomorrow brings more emotional distress about him and his role in her life. She’s in and out of her mad spells and expects purposeful loving spells to compensate.

The negatives far outweigh the positives. A man blamed is a man stirred to action, motivated to do something to avoid or prevent more of the same. A man shown female love is a man stirred to comfort. If she’s smiling, she’s okay and he’s not guilty of something. If she’s complaining, he’s guilty.

He may desire to assuage his guilt and please her, but not if she blames him. Her blame is a put down of his manly sense of responsibility. Any sense of a man’s guilt is quickly erased by blame; he switches his motivational effort from cooperative to competitor with dedication to prove her wrong or expendable.

His nature works that way; he won’t live with someone when he can do better elsewhere. And so couples split, men are blamed again, and female friends sympathize with her. The process has spread dynamically over several decades, and multiplies with each generation of seven years.

Whether she thinks it or not, she acts as if she’s responsible for their marriage. If their partnership is going to work, he’s responsible for their marriage and she’s responsible for their relationship and living together.

2175. Dating in Mid-life — Part C8: Her Past, A Simpler View

You can’t shape the dating atmosphere to your advantage without anticipating what is likely to come up. This post is aimed at reinforcing the more practical side of a subject and admittedly aims more at younger than more mature women.

Perhaps the toughest test of your worth to Mr. Good Enough, can and will he accept you without knowing the details of your past sex life? He has four interests: to determine his comparative value as a lover, to prevent his embarrassment as your lover, to determine the likelihood of you cheating, and what really intrigues him: Promiscuous? With his friends? With someone he knows? Mistress? Shack up? Cheap? Easy?

It’s his nature; he’s born that way. Men begrudge anyone who went before them, and the begrudging varies with who are the individuals. Husbands can be forgotten as legitimate earners of your favors (unless you bring it up)—but not the others and some measure of too many or too much reflects harshly against not just you but more importantly him.

CAUTION: The Manosphere loudly broadcasts that women are equally entitled to sexual freedom and their history is of no concern to advocates of Game philosophy. Don’t fall for it, darling. Their philosophic values are founded on the supreme superiority of men over women to the extent that respect for women is non-existent. Their philosophic flavoring floats on Feminism, tends toward homoeroticism, and leans on Islamic values. Overall, it contradicts anyone’s interest in sexual discretion and monogamy.

Here are a dozen pointers to help shape the dating scene to your advantage.

1. Your known past generates suspicions that override acceptances and assurances. Your unknown past generates fewer suspicions to eat away at the mutual trust you hope to build.  [241]
2. Men seek and others often advise full disclosure. When men actively pursue more about your past, they can’t ignore and not use the information to shape their thinking. Talked into full disclosure, women expect fairness and equality. The male nature does not originate fairness for sharing sexual assets, and equality is a female concept that men don’t normally consider in human relations. [241]
3. People argue that trust cannot arise without full disclosure. Hah! Trust arises from convictions drawn from beliefs and speculation about a person. Trust does not arise when specific knowledge prevents such convictions. [241]
4. Full disclosure comes out uneven, unequal, un-repairable, because the male nature values a woman’s chastity far more than the female nature finds interest in a man’s sexual history.  [241]
5. The harder a man works to draw details out of your sexual past, the more likely he will use it against you sometime, someway. Perhaps latently, indirectly, or vengefully. It’s available to hold over your head and to rationalize or recover from his own mistakes. [241]
6. Forgetting your sexual past with lack of knowledge is far easier than forgiving what Mr. GoodEnough learns from full disclosure. The more he knows, the more he thinks. The more he thinks, the more he looks for the bad or unacceptable. The more unacceptable, the less forgetting. The less forgetting, the less forgiving. [241]
7. Feminine intuition trumps full-disclosure. While not easy, you are blessed with the skills and expertise to withhold who, what, when, where, why, and how of what he doesn’t already know. Withholding information is not dishonesty. Disclosure means candid, accuracy means honest. [302]
8. His spirit and willingness to give more than he takes may indicate his ability to honor your decision and help qualify him as Mr. GoodEnough. However, if he’s more of a taker, he may not honor your other expectations either. Such as these after marriage: Have kids even though he agreed. Or your desire to stay home and home school, when he wants more income in the home. Or support you in caring for a sick parent. [327]
9. Your undisclosed sexual past defends your relationship, because his ammo box lacks your historical bullets to fire back in domestic squabbles. [327]
10. The forward-thinking woman convinces all her female friends to never leak anything about her past to her dating partner, boyfriend, husband, or any other man. But this may fail too, because friends betray friends. They steal dates, boyfriends, lovers, and husbands, don’t they? Consequently, the wisest woman keeps her sexual history as secret as possible even from friends and family. [327]
11. Former relationships may be known to your man, but no mention should be made or comparative details disclosed. It’s toxic in any relationship for you to disclose the relative sexual worth of one man to another, regardless of who’s the better. [302]
12. Don’t think you can outsmart him by claiming he’s your greatest lover ever. You opened the door to his inquiry about how and why he’s the greatest, so you’re trapped into telling what you’re best off not to disclose.

The more that Mr. GoodEnough knows, the more likely he will make you pay some price for your past. Couples do squabble. You may never know or understand what’s happening. Yet, he may strike back because of your earlier sexual events. It takes very little for reminders of your past to grow into humiliation for him. Your history affects his sense of significance, whether you know it or not and accept it or not. 

I know this subject has been perhaps overheated and difficult to accept. Too much of a good thing can still be boring. Tomorrow’s subject is also a tender one that needs to be reviewed for mid-life dating. It’s submission, even though we all know that subject doesn’t apply before marriage. Preparation is easier than recovery, which is the not just everything but quite often the only thing.

 

2148. Recovery from A.D.D.

They are born this way. Women have affection deficit disorder. Men have affection delivery disorder. The hearts and minds of the superior sex, aka the irresistible force, are blessed with the patience and temperament to move the dominant sex, aka the immovable object, and cure A.D.D.

Her Highness Beloved at 2147 asked: “So how do you train him to be affectionate?” The subject has universal appeal, so I shifted my response to this article. You ladies probably have developed better and more enchanting techniques, but here goes my suggestion.

First, your mission. Encourage your man to expand his actions that express his love to include more and better displays of affection, and do all that in order to more pleasingly light up and make the love of his life to shine in his favor and face.

Encouragement always excludes blame, faultfinding, criticism, and displays of disappointment. So, the mission calls for suppression of your negative feelings about the subject of affection and perhaps other subjects. Everything is relative, recovery is everything, and so recovery is also relative as to what will come out of your effort.

Second, don’t complain about him and don’t explain yourself. Also, don’t get angry or frustrated when your expectations are not met. Be patient and rely on your heart rather than just your mind. Forming a new habit takes many events over time; 90 days is not unusual. And men do best when they learn to do what they figure out is best for them.

Third, find numerous ways to interact with him pleasantly and perhaps even silently to convey what you expect out of him. I suggest hints, suggestions, and a seed planting campaign such as the following. A few times a day may not be too much early in marriage but might be too much early in courtship. If you’ve been married awhile, move slowly. Don’t be obvious; it causes suspicion about your motivation.

• Interrupt what you do daily to interact eye-to-eye with him in ways that he appreciates. Just ‘howdy’ smiles to show your appreciation for his presence. Silent displays of your affection register powerfully with a man, but they don’t draw immediate and similar responses. Your affection confirms that all is well, so he need not contribute. He does that regularly in his daily actions of being with you and providing/protecting—or so his nature guides him.
• Remember, men don’t appreciate interruptions when they are doing complicated things, such as reading the newspaper and watching TV. You should catch him between events. Female smoothness can add sugar to carry interruptions in your favor, but don’t make it too sweet. It generates suspicion about motivation, which is ‘ungood’.
• When asked to do something and before you do it, ask, “Do I deserve some encouragement? Would you turn me loose to do such a humongous thing, make such a gigantic effort, without so much as a smooch? Hug? Promise?” (Make him laugh and feel good about himself.)
• After you’ve done something that he asked or you did something to please him, then confirm your enjoyment of him and inquire with a huge smile: “Do I get/deserve/have I earned special treatment? My buns drag and no one wants to give me a lift? You have any ideas for a pick me up? No, a pat on the buns isn’t enough.”
• When he does something to please you or you need some attention. Highlight your attractiveness as he likes to see you, smile charmingly, and wave gently with both hands pointed upward and friendly for him to come near. (I like the idea of making it a ritual before you head for the bedroom at night.) At first you may have to close the last few inches of the gap for physical contact, but he will finally figure out what you want and see eventually that you need it. Find ways to reward him for showing whatever affection he displays to please you. The object is to convert his thoughts to pleasing himself for pleasing you and to make it habitual.
• Exploit his departure for work just as you send children off to school. Make it pleasant but include kiss and push for a hug. If you don’t have the time because of your schedule, improve your schedule to ensure you pay faithful attention to your craving for affection.
• But be alert to his reactions. You’ll figure it out if you go too far or too much, so teach yourself to also pull back in those cases. Go slower, gentler, and less deserving but get what you are after, but which is so difficult to pull out of his contrary nature.
• Patiently connect mutual thinking together with this thought. He may not but you do expect displays of affection to be shown both visually and physically. It’s your fruit from his tree of devotion. You do all manner of things to fertilize his tree, and you expect the fruit to fall rather than be plucked or bought. Fruit more freely given wraps your heart in foil impenetrable by and for anyone else. He needs to know that but should learn it indirectly; i.e., he figures it out rather than being told directly.

When he figures out that showing affection is his duty, it will become habit. But be aware, he may never be as affectionate as you like. If he isn’t, you probably have to live with whatever progress he has made. Don’t change your habits of encouraging him for more, but expect that you will have to do the hinting and suggesting forever.

The most admirable quality in a man is the spreading of his affection to the one that admires him and his affection the most. He needs to learn that. It’s a tough teaching job even for relationship experts. Men just don’t want to disclose their feelings when their actions are so loud—but only to them.

You relationship experts need to reinforce this thought in your heart of hearts. You expect your man to deliver what is not in his nature to expose, that is, how he feels. His actions convey his feelings, or at least all he wants to expose. All progress is great progress and some may have to be enough. His nature resists more extensive displays of his feelings, once he has admitted that you were right at needing—and now getting—more affection. In his heart of hearts, he’s done enough. You’ll just have to get along with that. So, color yourself blessed to the extent that he thinks displaying his affection is his duty.

That’s my suggestion for working on a cure for A.D.D.

540. Unmarried women shape society: Part 1

Before the sexual revolution, married women shaped society by dominating the culture. After the 1960s unmarried females enabled men to dominate the culture, and now the society works against females. She always has choices, however….

©     Her Nature: She shapes their relationship to meet her expectations for fulfilling her hopes and dreams. Dating for other reasons wastes her time and his money. Is this current practice?

©     His Nature: Dates using her money benefit him financially but weaken his emotional ties to her. If she’ll pay, she’ll play—his game, that is. Using his money adds value to her as person instead of sex object. Spending on her invests himself in her and her interests, as long as he doesn’t see it as cover charge for sex. This final point uplifts virtual virginity to best strategy and hardtoget as best tactic. Is this approach popular?

©     Money: Wasting his money harms her reputation, but using hers weakens their relationship. Acknowledged by females?

©     Look Alike: If she won’t yield sex, they shouldn’t spend her money. Her money works best when she handles it under the same principles as her chastity—as reward for giving up his independence in marriage rather than as bribe to stick around or settle down prematurely. Do women nowadays see it this way?

©     Booty: Dateless sex makes her valuable for booty call but under his terms. Something may develop beyond conquest, but what stirs his interest about her beyond sex? Her money?

459. NURTURING — His ability

Most men are severely challenged on the childcare front, whether with infants, toddlers, or even tweens. He’s a klutz direct caregiver compared to mom. Good intentions, practice, and experience don’t ever close the gap with female nurturing—although men can earn an adequate rating.

His nature pushes him to produce, provide, protect, and problem-solve. These missions require that he master specific skills that contradict what’s required for care giving. He masters skills to:

©     Move thinking people along instead of using feelings to motivate an unthinking or hardly capable person.

©     Hold no one’s attention beyond what’s required for them to learn accurately and to perform what’s expected instead of repeating oneself over and over to get each point across.

©     Use impatience to keep things moving instead of patience to allow someone to get started, grow, and do for themselves.

©     Teach developed people directly instead of relying on indirectness that allows for bundling of love, care, instruction, and encouragement.

©     Generate respectful feedback instead of living with the disrespect of an infant’s barf on one’s shoulder or a toddler’s tantrums.

©     Depend on competition dealing with others instead of the cooperation nurturers try to induce.

He can master a new mission with tasks foreign to him. What price must she pay to make his contributions worth the damage caused by insistence that he share more equitably the nurturing duties?

The series continues in post #462.

371. College girls: X-rated bathrooms and dorms

College girls now share dorms and bathrooms with college boys. This defines ‘coed’ as exploitive guys screening females that hide their embarrassment and yearn for privacy. Girls surrender their female modesty at no cost to guys.

Feminists schemed that females become more like men: Common dorms and bathrooms force women to abandon their modest nature. This forces women to live with embarrassment, which fakes them into duplicating masculine behavior.

Unintended consequence: ‘Forced’ to live with constant embarrassment and acting as men do devalues a woman to herself. Loss of her sense of control leads to depression.

Unintended consequence: Yielding so much privacy makes women spineless and mystery-less. She submits herself to feminist-imposed male standards, but then she can’t accept submission to husband. To all men she can submit, but to one man she can’t. Her ego gets twisted against her self-interest in coed dorms and toilets. 

Unintended consequence: When a man’s curiosity about a female fades, his imagination goes elsewhere. Female immodesty creates a mystery-less dorm, which kills masculine curiosity except for more sex.

Why should men respect booty call? Yet, booty wonders: Why can’t I get a real date?

(For the latest twists on females duplicating males, explore Ariel Levy’s Female Chauvinist Pigs, Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture.)

370. College girls: Spineless — Posts 301-315

Spinelessness floods Womanhood when college girls accept coed dorms and bathrooms. They submit to feminist and masculine dominance, and details flood the next post to be published tomorrow night, #371.

In what follows, I list previous posts that describe politically incorrect life in the fast lane from meet up through hook up and marry up to split up and end up looking to start up again:

301.       Newlyweds fail to plan or plan to fail?

302.       Her faulty reasoning.

303.       Immaturity comes easily.

304.       Lifelong husbands are made—I.

305.       Other mysteries resolved.

306.       When she offers too little else.

307.       Newlywed bonding through self-talk.

308.       It’s Jack’s nature.

309.       Lifelong husbands are made—II.

310.       Fortitude for females.

311.       Relationship maintenance checklist.

312.       The ugly.

313.       The bad.

314.       The good.

315.       More good.

More about men? See Sex differences explain men and Do women know jack about Jack? in CONTENT page located in blog header.

320. Female Fortitude — 151 through 160

These ‘fortitudinals’ provide theme or summary of previous posts. The numbers match the source.

151.       Women dominate sex-free courtships.

152.       Experience with many sex partners hardens a woman’s heart.

153.       Easy marks for conquest earn high marks for dumping to the ex lane.

154.       His nature helps virtual virginity work for her.

155.       Duplicating the way men act ages women prematurely and leaves them with little grace and charm for their later years.

156.       He wonders if she is to be anything more than a sex target?

157.       Feminism produces unintended consequences because men don’t respond like feminists say they should.

158.       Providing sex can gain his commitment, but that’s far from his devotion.

159.       Modern pop music hardens the female heart.

160.       Modern women fish with an empty hook in the water, because men steal the bait—sex.

[Previous fortitudinals appear in posts 316, 310, 305, 300, 295, 290, 285, 280, 275, 270, 265, 260, 255, 250, 245, 240, 234, 228, 213, 203, 199, 186, 182, and 176. Search by the number and then scroll down.]