508. Response to Viewer — Item 05

Easybreezy asked when she should tell a guy that she’s ‘saving herself for marriage’. No right answer exists, but an ideal one may.

It’s best if he doesn’t have to be told but discovers it with marriage, but that’s virtually impossible nowadays. If he has to be told, the following might be ideal. Use the issue to confirm his devotion instead of just commitment.

First, you mutually commit to marriage. Then, if you’re sure he’s not just saying it to conquer you, telling him may be okay. But that’s an imprecise judgment call.

So, how about a more precise test? Tell him between his words “Will you marry me” and your accepting the ring. Full disclosure at this time will ease doubts about whether he’s after SEX or YOU. Of course it’s risky and maybe hazardous, but then what isn’t about courtship brought to a head or getting him to accept your standards and expectations.

I favor making it none of his business; your actions show that having sex is not on the premarital agenda.* The following pressures favor delay, delay, delay.

·        When you say “I’m saving myself” in the modern world, you’re effectively saying “You’re not good enough.” You attack his significance. It’s a demotivator for all but the guy that cherishes you beyond all else.

·        Not yielding and not explaining brings out the best and worst in him. You learn to ‘read’ and better predict his true interests regarding you.

·        Delay after delay gains more time to condition his thinking about you and what you bring to him and marriage. More time for his curiosity to stimulate his imagination about the promises of marital sex. (I quoted him before: Einstein said “Imagination is more important than knowledge.”)

·        If you successfully save yourself, he will know he earned the greatest reward you have to give from a woman he admires and respects for her having kept the issue private even with him. No better sign exists of your self-respect.

None of this is foolproof, but it seems ideal to this man.

* Following Easybreezy’s comments on post 504, Her Highness Stacy and Princess Reina add lots of high quality perspective and practicality.