- Often to ease her guilt, a woman talks about her ex, but it reveals her own shortcomings. However, sympathetic and empathetic listeners hear only her side and assuage her guilt and ease her blame. It confirms and reinforces her rightness, but a hex emerges. She senses relief from having to be different the next time, from having to change herself in future relationships. So, she gravitates toward guys much like her ex.
- Men don’t love competitors, but yet they find men companionable. It’s different with a competitive wife. A man learns quickly that he can never measure up; she always finds a way to win. She overrides or demeans his decisions in domains he considers his own. Her nature mandates that she be that way, if she can’t or won’t abandon her competitiveness to keep a husband.
- When truly in love, a man demonstrates it directly for the person she is. His actions of appreciation are not brought into focus by what she does and says. But out of respect for her as person, admiration of her virtues as woman, and the promise she holds to brighten his workdays. His imagination about those things keeps his heart afire. He’s really very simple at that time of life.
- Female love is quite different and complex. A woman loves herself first and loves a man secondarily and indirectly. She qualifies him for what he does and says and for his ability to make her life worthwhile—especially her future. Based on her appreciation of how well he does what she expects, she loves him.
- However, a woman’s immaturity disrupts the previous pattern. Simply put, an immature woman doesn’t love herself. This shortage of self-love, usually fallout of inadequate fathering, colors her judgment and governs her behavior against finding a compelling and lasting true live.
1516. Friendly Reminders — #7
Filed under Dear daughter
What Women Never Hear 
“A man loves a woman directly for the person she is… not for what she does and says… A woman loves herself first and loves a man secondarily and indirectly… an immature woman doesn’t love herself.”
Wow! I need to memorize these lines. Growing up in a religious home, we were taught that loving ourselves was really bad. Never saw that NOT loving ourselves was a sign of immaturity. And, what a relief that a man’s love doesn’t so much depend on what we do or say!
Loving oneself first makes a lot of sense, how else will someone do it if we don’t allow themselves the feeling first ?
When I think of loving oneself, I often think of self-care. Doing what you need to do to feel fulfilled. You can’t love yourself if you aren’t willing to say no and yes in the next breath. Make choices.
“He’s really very simple when truly in love.” Sir Guy, can you please elaborate more on “simple” I was under the impression that women were simpler when it come to love. Are men more simplesin showing it, or in identifying it. Or what do you mean?
Your Highness Cocoa,
When truly in love, a man demonstrates it directly for the person she is. His actions of appreciation are not brought into focus by what she does and says. But out of respect for her as person, admiration of her virtues as woman, and the promise she holds to brighten his workdays. His imagination about those things keeps his heart afire.
Guy
And all that you’ve mentioned above could happen and be demonstrated without a word spoken? If yes, then does he do all that (and maybe more) hoping she understands and admire him for it? If yes, and she doesn’t understand (say, she a bit slow! ) does he then give up or his heart will continue to be afire?!
Your Highness Cocoa,
When he’s after her and not just sex, he’s dedicated to proving himself to himself on the presumption that she can’t resist what he has to offer. He’s blinded to his effects on her (until development deepens). His actions are designed to win her. They are the measure that she uses to weigh actions against words and discriminate devotion from just commitment, her as his object from just sex, and buy-in from just chatter.
Yes, without a word spoken (theoretically, of course). His actions speak. It doesn’t matter if she admires him. He’s driven to admire himself figuring that she can’t refuse his best effort. Also, he doesn’t worry about whether she understands his actions. He’s her knight, she doesn’t have to understand. Until, that is, some issue arises that begs a mutual understanding.
If she doesn’t understand, have patience. Wait. Watch his actions. Give him more latitude to disclose his intentions. Just because he comes on like Mr. Good Enough in her mind doesn’t mean he’s a keeper. It takes time for men to disclose their feelings in the high-risk (for men) adventure of loving a woman.
Guy
1. I see…”he’s dedicated to proving himself to himself” so if I would to finish this off I would say, “to please himself” right? “on the presumption that she can’t resist what he has to offer” how can he figure that out if she is dead quite about all what he if offering?
2. “He’s her knight, she doesn’t have to understand” again as he’s just interested in pleasing himself. OK. But wouldn’t he like some feedback of any kind?
3. “Until, that is, some issue arises that begs a mutual understanding” do you have an example of an issue?
4. “Just because he comes on like Mr. Good Enough in her mind doesn’t mean he’s a keeper” so more patience and even more time to separate and see (now that she hopefully got the message ) if he is a keeper?
Your Highness Cocoa,
I numbered your questions.
1. To please himself, yes, which confirms his sense of self-admiration. Men admire themselves doing good as they see good.
2. Not quite. As he’s convinced he has both the dominant and irresistible role and thus has little or no need for feedback.
3. Sure. He moves too fast and she slaps his face.
4. Exactly. Most importantly, however, he has to be a keeper long enough for this process to work. He uncovers and admires more of her qualities, connects those virtues into her fascination, and enjoys her fascination until it turns into promise as his potential mate.
Guy
Cocoa, Are you still being chased? Don’t respond if it makes you uncomfortable. I was just wondering since we are in the same predicament (in a sense). Your questions sound like he is still taking action and you are ignoring him but perhaps I’m wrong.
Hello, let me clarify. When it comes to understand the male nature specially love, I am like a 3 year old girl with her eyes, ears and mouth open. I want to learn and learn. My own husband and his love for me is a mystery since we were engaged till now and that’s what prompted the questions above. I did not fall in love with him but he did. But sir Guy explained to me that is must have been love that took me through all these years (but as you’ve read in 1868, not the teenage hormonal love ). I don’t show much affection at all. He does and never give up. Hence my question.
Now to your other question. Yes I am still being chased. Yes I am ignoring him. But I took this approach; I am grateful that I am still attractive. These things are building my self confidence (I lacked that as a young girl). I found that I am dealing better with my husband, family and other friends/ associates.
Workplace requires us to be pleasant, so I am. The other man changed almost 180 degrees. I am talking about respect, he wasn’t that respecting/respectable. Now he is. Good for him I guess.
The only men I knew in my whole life is my husband and my father. So as sir Guy brilliantly told me couple of days ago. The world of men is more hazardous for me than other women. That is just spot on. That’s why I have many questions. That’s why I choose to be ignorant about many things too.
Sir Guy, I am not sure if you missed my questions above, or you chose not to respond. I am grateful either way.
Your Highness Cocoa,
You’re right. Overlooked. Check it later.
Guy
Thank you. I don’t have nearly the excuse you do for not understanding the male nature but I’m lost in the woods of misunderstanding myself so I agree that these posts are helping. Love your positive attitude.
Your Highness MLaRose,
I have one simple method for you to understand yourself better than you ever imagined. Adopt the habit I describe in 806 and address again at 1440. It’s all about ‘pretty time’. Something even more promising is in the works on my end. It should blow your socks off about understanding yourself and how to handle your man more successfully. It may be awhile as I can’t seem to get organized enough to make it clear. But look for this: self-gratitude.
Guy
Looking forward to it Sir Guy.
1. Just amazing creatures and God designed them this way. I see this very much in my boys.
2. Even better and easier for us. I guess a smile will do.
3. Yep, as he got ahead of himself, extra confident maybe.
4. So first patience to screen out mr. Wrong. Then more patience and work on her fascinating qualities to turn mr. Good enough in to mr. Keeper.
Again I have to say. Men are just amazing creatures of God. They are self sufficient and that’s why they are worthy of respect. My relationship with my husband, my children and my male associates is much successful since I started reading your blog.
Sir Guy, you might be pleased to know that I’ve started to talk with younger girls from church and they are so eager to know more, I am also helping a young newly married woman. Wouldn’t dare doing this without this blog.
Your Highness Cocoa,
You’re a fast learner, my dear. Your importance expands as you reach out. God bless you!
Guy
Dear Cocoa,
I’m always impressed with your determination in getting answers and your eagerness to learn. I’ve learned a lot too, by reading your questions and reading Sir Guy’s answers.
That’s great to hear about the women/girls you are helping. The wisdom here is like no other out there and fits with Biblical teachings as well.
Keep up the good work!
Dear MHW and dear sir Guy, thank you so much for your encouraging words. Can’t wait for “self gratitude”.
Sometimes, when feeling down (and ladies you know how this feels and for no apparent reason) I think to myself, how dare I feel this way when the Creator of the universe loves me and cares for me. HE sees me pretty. HE loves me as I am. Just having this in the back of my little head I feel taller, prettier and stronger. Ready to face this world that I hardly understand.