443. Women generate incompatibility when they endorse male values by copying masculine behavior. Their short-range wishes torpedo their long-range thinking. Their future begins to melt and they later morph into the multiplex of singleness, disappointment, unhappiness, abandonment, loneliness, isolation, hopelessness, despair, depression, divorce, gloom, and misery. (I don’t argue against the comfort or convenience, but only how such things affect men and weaken respect for women generally and each one individually.) A few examples of wrongful copying:
- Women too easily and too often discard lovely and attractive feminine attractiveness. They copy men with tee shirts, careless hairdos, black or dull and ragged clothes, tattoos, piercings. [152]
- Either not caring or presuming the right to argue in his face, women compete against their man after conquest, when the male nature expects only cooperation from a conquered woman. [152]
- Women adopt masculine-style sexual freedom. They let men get by dodging personal commitments, domestic obligations, and responsible habits. Lack of time before conquest prevents words of commitment rising to actions of devotion. Being given frequent and convenient access to sex without marital obligation, men don’t have to provide the extra-female-friendly things that truly benefit women as custom and each woman in particular. [152]
- By absorbing feminist politics, women condemn the masculine nature while turning off or tuning out their female nature. [152]
- If she can depend on herself, she doesn’t need him. If that happens, she’s not grateful for him. If that happens, he’s not interested in staying with her beyond the eagerness of romantic love. [152]
- Women discard feminine mystique. They quit using old school hard-to-get. They mistakenly expect that men appreciate a woman’s sacrifice of her sexual assets. With so little to do to score, men sun themselves later in boredom instead of pleasing women as women wish they could be pleased. [152]
- Women plead for mutual and meaningful full disclosure, but men have no obligation for being as accurate as women expect. Men hear weakness in her disclosures and use it to get her into bed. It fine tunes men to deal openly but with no obligation for either candidness or honesty. [152]
- Exposing her weaknesses before conquest reduces the size and intensity of the fascination and promise he sees in her that guides him to the altar. [152]
- Women think everything should be more equal, so they upstage men by initiating sex. Men welcome it, but it short-circuits or at least weakens a man’s respect that is so essential for enduring love to develop as romantic love fades. [152]
- Experience with many sex partners hardens a woman’s heart. It makes her cynical, suspicious, and unable to like herself enough to hold a man very easily. [152]
What Women Never Hear 
“tshirts, black clothing, careless hairdos”
don’t forget TATTOOS and piercings as well.
many women today, would wear tattoos on their forearms, and from a distance, look like MEN, if a person doesn’t have 20/20 vision.
A radio talk show host “Rabbi Lapin’ is trying to get girls and women back into wearing skirts/dresses again to NOT look like ‘one of the guys’ (these daisy dukes, hot pants, just arent ‘cutting it) so women could start to find husbands again
He is on ksfo560.com, 5-8am PDT, and its the 7am show on 6/8/14–its podcasted.
You’re right, Boomer Babe!
My husband and I will go out and see these pretty young 20 year old girls loaded with tattoo and piercings and we cringe.
Do you (or anyone else reading this for that matter) think there might be a return to femininity soon (as you mentioned, there’s a podcast on this that you’ve found)…you know, the pendulum swings back eventually in a society–or are we still progressing toward more masculine women? I seem to be seeing some signs of people waking up to this. But maybe I’m seeking out the info/sites that affirm femininity, like this one 😉
@ my husband’s wife…. yes, I have seen a slow….slow turning back to the way it use to be. I love ya’lls responses. It is encouraging to see and I am grateful when it is witness in real life.
Good to hear, Surfercajun—and that you’re seeing some real life examples. Where I’m at, not so much…yet, but hopeful that women will tire of being what society tells us we should be resulting in angry, bitter, lonely–something we’re not meant to be.
Yes, I do sense a return, at least by some ladies, toward a more feminine approach to living. I plan to teach my daughter everything I can and she already is more modest than most. She also prefers classic clothing instead of the fast fashion places her peers like. She already realizes she is different from the majority. Her grandmother’s are helping with this also which I appreciate. May I recommend a blog I sometimes read called http://www.etiquettewithmissjanice.blogspot.com, Miss Janice prides herself on being what she calls prissy. I just think she is darling.
How nice to hear, MLaRowe! It sounds like your daughter will be ahead of the curve with your guidance (and your mom’s, too!) I’ll be sure to check out the site you posted. Thank you!
I’m glad you have your daughter in this–the only thing is, Will it cause more MEN to become more classically ‘masculine’?
Since the only way a woman could change a man, is not to sleep with him first. Being feminine, especially when young is where its at
Sometimes i go on Yahoo, and give my opinion as well. The article was about a dress code in a school; the girl wanted to wear ‘hot pants’ but was told not to. I suggested she should start to wear a skirt that could be ‘below the knee’ and full.
A man responded to be about it, and said, its ‘old fashioned’ and women don’t do this anymore. You must be a grandma..(his icon looked like a ‘skinhead’)
We got a lot of ‘work’ to do… 🙂
Also what i mean as classically masculine, is ‘responsible’ and not being afraid as well as being too aggressive
My hope for my daughter is that by teaching her confidence and self respect she will not feel that she has to one day use her body to get male attention. Right now she thinks nothing of boys but the end of that is right around the corner. Teaching modesty and to search for quality clothing is part of helping her create a self image that she can be proud of. I see it as a mothers responsibility.
As for traditionally masculine men I think we have to look at the fact that so many men right now are unable to get employment that will support a family. Even those who wish to work hard in many cases are underemployed because the economy is currently in the gutter and honestly I don’t see it coming out anytime soon despite every politicians insistence that job creation is a priority.
I wonder what people did about this in my grandparents generation? Certainly the 1930’s held the same challenges for families, if not more so. The male urge (in quality men of character) is to care for the family (financially and otherwise) but if opportunity has been stolen away from so many men how does a wife/partner help?
The men in our circle are traditionally masculine and gender roles are clearly defined in 1950’s style terms yet the dynamics of moneymaking have changed for the middle class.
In poor neighborhoods the smartest most savvy alpha males become drug lords and such. But what about in the middle class? How do men in the now struggling class keep a sense of importance in the face of current challenges?
I find it easy to put my husband as captain of the team, CEO or whatever else you want to say. Yet, I was raised in a neighborhood of single mothers (although my parents were married). I saw how that all worked and I don’t believe it was best for the children in most cases.
So traditional men are facing something tough these days. We have to look at that. They are not, in many cases, able to do all they would wish to for their families.
After re-reading this I want to retract that about poor neighborhoods. Certainly plenty of worthwhile men in impoverished neighborhoods are not part of organized crime but I can understand the appeal of that lifestyle for some. What I should have said is that sometimes that is the case in situations where people have had other opportunities taken from them.
A feminine approach to living, I like that! ! 🙂
This sounds like the Rabbi Lapin who was recently on Family Talk with Dr. Dobson. He seemed like a very wise man.
Your Highness Denise,
Yes, he’s an extremely wise man in both personal and political affairs. A favorite mind of mine just behind Dennis Prager. Both render the complex into the simplest concepts and terms.
Guy
🙂 Mr. Guy, God bless!!!
Amen! Wow, really he said that? That’s wrong on so many levels, but what do we expect from the world? 🙂 well, I seen this attractive female dressed in skin tight clothing and when we passed some distance, no joking, all you could see was her body outline. It was so revealing…it was like God showing me why we should wear something , dresses or skirts, that will hide our sensitive areas! We really leave nothing to the imagination, dressing like that
We must have a return to true femininity though! The other evening at our son’s piano recital, a teen girl dressed in a formal dress with long beautiful hair, played a poignant and lovely piece of music. In the middle of the piece she made several mistakes and burst out with, “Oh crap!” It was jarring to hear those words come out of a young woman with that appearance.
It made me sad.
Jill
You’re so right, Jill. And unfortunately, a lot of people at the concert would have most likely have thought that was “cute” or “funny” that she handled the moment in that way.
You can look pretty on the outside, but then the inside can tell a different story. Most of the women my age (40s) seem to still “look” fairly feminine on the outside (no tattoos or piercings, but keep themselves up really well with hair/makeup/exercise), but are not so feminine on the inside—now single, sexually promiscuous, bitter towards men in general with a “time to get mine” attitude so children are pushed aside. It’s sad to see this happen—women following a culture that isn’t a great role model at all!
As far as a return to classic masculinity goes, we are very involved with a homeschool Speech and Debate League; the National Christian Forensics Communication Association. The NCFCA is the third largest high school league in the nation and has a high standard of behavior (courteousness and graciousness between competitors and with the judges) as well as a strict dress code of business attire.
When we started a club in our new town, parents of conservative Christian families along with their students complained about the dress code. We even have a dress code for weekly club meetings but when I said, “No big deal, just casual church attire is required at club) they didn’t know what I was talking about because so many churches have gotten sloppily casual!
Long story short, we insisted on a high standard of dress and the teen boys almost immediately loved it! Many of them come to club wearing much more formal wear than is required for our meetings (bow ties and suit coat). They feel manly and they are expected to act manly. It is awesome to witness the change in these young people over the year of competition!
Our 20 year old daughter, Hannah, also sets the tone with her high standard of really classy feminine dress. She’s the coach and they love her so it’s a win-win!
Jill Farris
My heart is hardened. I’m cynical, suspicious and I’m unable to like myself long enough to hold a man. I’ve been promiscuous since the age of 16, got pregnant at the age of 14 and I’ve had several abortions and a miscarriage and now I’ve got an std. I’m 35 now single, lonely, disappointed and depressed and I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t have a job, I’m living with my parents, I’ve never been in a serious relationship, and I just can’t seem to get it together. I always seem shy away from my goals then I sabotage it in one way or another. It’s like I feel I don’t deserve anything good. I get so confused by all the advice that is out there, I almost don’t trust my own inner voice. I’m so far removed and further away from my feminine nature and innocence, I don’t know how to get it back. I feel 40 in my body even though I’m only 35. My younger siblings don’t respect me because I have not respected myself. How do I get back to who I once was at my core, where I felt happy and joyful and optimistic again. Old habits die hard as I’ve never given a guy enough time to get to know me as I’m so used to having sex quickly before he knows my heart. How do I get back on track, how do I get back to me? How can I put my past behind me? How do I soften my heart again?
Your Highness Screamstyle,
It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
Your story of self-victimization saddens me. Your prospects for self-recovery challenge me. But right now I don’t know where to start. Give me a day or two.
In the meantime, click on CONTENTS at blog top and scroll down to Virtual Virginity. Study each article and others with ‘virgin’ in the title at least once and hopefully twice. Even study the parts that don’t seem relevant to your situation. In your mind and heart, master the art of defending rather than sharing your sexual assets. Restoring self-respect starts there.
You won’t recognize it for a long time, but virtual virginity is the primary road to recovering your self-respect, relearning how to like yourself, and recasting new personal interests upon your world. If you can’t believe in that promise, we may as well stop here.
I don’t know how I will present answers. Right now I think we’ll both be surprised.
Guy
I hope it is all right if I say a few words of encouragement here to the newcomer?
Life can be rough and I hope that you, newcomer friend, can gain wisdom from reading this blog, I know I have learned things here and it has been helpful for me.
I hope you find answers here too that will help on a go forward basis with your relationships with men.
We all make choices (and sometimes mistakes) but the nice thing is that we have time to recover and learn from our past. Try out a new way of doing things and see if the results are better.
I also hope you have a few supportive people in your corner. And I hope you know what is so great about you (at least 5 things) those things that no matter what no one can take them away.
.
Thank you. I will begin here as you’ve suggested. I’ve read those articles several times, and I will continue to do so. I just feel worthless when I read them because I feel cheated and lied to by society and pop culture. I guess it’s just believing and trusting that someone will like me for me. It seems like such a far stretch and unfortunately I find enough people to reinforce my beliefs. I’m just angry and I feel it in my heart. Even when I talk to men, I come off as combatitive, competitive and argumentative (because of my hardened heart) as I feel so used and abused by them, but then again, I don’t really know how to relate to the opposite sex in a friendship sort of way. I’m open to your wisdom and insights and if you need more info from me to gain a better understanding, I’ll be happy to share. I want to feel happy, feminine, joyful and optimistic again (if I’ve ever felt that way). I want marriage, children, a bright future but as you say it just seems elusive.
Your Highness Screamstyle,
I respond to your two comments of 7/10 at 10:37 am and 6:53 pm in that order. Before I go further, I declare your comments to be so clear, needful, and self-diagnosing as to win awards for clarity, frankness, and earning of masculine respect for female uniqueness. I hope my responses can be of equal quality.
NOTE: I CRITIQUE IN CAPS your questions in lower case WITH PARAGRAPHS BROKEN FOR EASE OF READING.
GUY
——
My heart is hardened. [RECOVERY IS EVERYTHING, AND RECOGNIZING YOUR MALE-ORIENTED HEART IS A GREAT FIRST STEP.] I’m cynical, suspicious and I’m unable to like myself long enough to hold a man. [THAT IS THE PRODUCT OF PROMISCUITY AND LOW SELF-IMAGE IN THE PRESENCE OF A HEALTHY BUT UNCLEAR CONSCIENCE.]
I’ve been promiscuous since the age of 16, [THAT’S OKAY, IT’S PAST.] got pregnant at the age of 14 … [THAT’S OKAY, IT’S PAST.] and I’ve had several abortions and a miscarriage [THAT’S OKAY, IT’S ALL PAST. WHAT OTHERS THINK MATTERS NOT IF YOU PAY ATTENTION TO THE RECOVERY PROGRAM I’M DESIGNING. STAY TUNED FOR HOW TO FORGET IT ALL.]
…and now I’ve got an std. [THAT’S NOT OKAY, BUT YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ALTHOUGH I CAN’T HELP.]
I’m 35 now single, lonely, disappointed and depressed and I don’t know where to go from here. [THAT’S OKAY, THERE’S PLENTY ROOM TO GO UP AND NEW HABITS TO GROW INTO.] I don’t have a job, [THAT’S A PROBLEM.] I’m living with my parents, [THAT’S A FINANCIAL ADVANTAGE TO USE FOR AWHILE.] I’ve never been in a serious relationship, and I just can’t seem to get it together. [THAT’S A SOLVABLE PROBLEM.] I always seem shy away from my goals then I sabotage it in one way or another. [THAT’S A FUNCTION OF DISLIKING YOURSELF, OF THINKING YOU ARE NOT DESERVING.] It’s like I feel I don’t deserve anything good. [SEE, YOU KNOW YOURSELF PRETTY WELL, WHICH MAKES YOUR RECOVERY MUCH EASIER.]
I get so confused by all the advice that is out there, I almost don’t trust my own inner voice. [THE PROBLEM IS LACK OF FAITH AND GRATEFULNESS FOR YOURSELF AND LACK OF TRUST ARISING OUT OF LACK OF SELF-RESPECT. ALL ARE RECOVERABLE.]
I’m so far removed and further away from my feminine nature and innocence, I don’t know how to get it back. [I WILL SHOW YOU A SIMPLE BUT NOT EASY WAY.] I feel 40 in my body even though I’m only 35. [ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT WITH NEW GOALS.] My younger siblings don’t respect me because I have not respected myself. [TRUE! THE KNOWLEDGE OF IT EMPOWERS YOU.] How do I get back to who I once was at my core, where I felt happy and joyful and optimistic again. [REFLECT BACK ON YOUR GIRLHOOD HOPES AND DREAMS, PLAN TO START OVER FROM THERE, AND IMPLEMENT MY SUGGESTIONS FOR GENERATING NEW HABITS.]
Old habits die hard as I’ve never given a guy enough time to get to know me as I’m so used to having sex quickly before he knows my heart. [POOR CHOICES IN THE PAST ARE EASILY CONVERTED TO GOOD CHOICES WHEN YOU KNOW AND ARE AS HONEST AND CANDID WITH YOURSELF AS YOU SEEM TO BE.]
How do I get back on track, how do I get back to me? How can I put my past behind me? How do I soften my heart again? [YOU SEE HOW WELL YOU KNOW YOURSELF? HOW HONEST AND STRAIGHT FORWARD YOU ARE ABOUT YOURSELF? THOSE ARE BLESSINGS THAT FLOW DIRECTLY OUT OF YOUR FEMALE NATURE; THE WAY YOU WERE DESIGNED AND MADE. I HOPE TO GUIDE YOU TO RELYING ONCE AGAIN ON YOUR FEMININE NATURE AND FORGETTING THE POP CULTURE VALUES THAT HAVE SO UNDERMINED AND DISFIGURED YOUR LIFE.]
YOUR AND MY ‘TOGETHERNESS’ WORKS THIS WAY. YOU FIGURE OUT AND COMMIT TO WHAT YOU NEED, INTEND, AND DETERMINE TO DO AND BEGIN THE NEW HABITS THAT TAKE YOU THERE. I PROVIDE STIMULANT IDEAS AND THOUGHTS TO GUIDE YOU IN THAT PROCESS. IOW, I DESCRIBE WHAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN AND YOU FIGURE OUT HOW AND THEN YOU MAKE IT HAPPEN.]
NEXT, I CRITIQUE YOUR SECOND COMMENT.
——
Thank you. I will begin here as you’ve suggested. I’ve read those articles several times, and I will continue to do so. [ALL OF THE VIRTUAL VIRGINITY AND VIRGIN ARTICLES? I NEED CONFIRMATION THOSE ARE THE ONES YOU MEAN. IF YOU STUDIED THOSE, THEN PROCEED TO STUDY THE SERIES ‘BOOT CAMP FOR GIRLS’. YOU MAY THINK IT IRRELEVANT TO YOUR SITUATION, BUT IT’S NOT.]
I just feel worthless when I read them because I feel cheated and lied to by society and pop culture. [FRESH START RIGHT NOW. QUIT BLAMING OTHERS. YOU MADE CHOICES AND HAVE ALREADY PAID THE PRICE. YOUR WELL-WORKING CONSCIENCE IS ALREADY GETTING YOU INTO RECOVERY, SO BLAMING OTHERS WILL MERELY SET YOU BACK. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN DECISIONS, PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE. RIGHT?]
I guess it’s just believing and trusting that someone will like me for me. [BUT LIFE DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY. YOU WILL NOT BE LIKED BY WANTING TO BE LIKED. YOU WILL BE LIKED BY FOLLOWING YOUR FEMALE NATURE AND MAKING YOURSELF IMPORTANT TO OTHERS WITHOUT EXPECTING ANYTHING IN RETURN. OUT OF THAT, LIKEABILITY BECOME ATTACHED TO YOUR PERSONA, YOUR PERSONALITY AND ROLES IN LIFE.]
It seems like such a far stretch [THAT IS, BELIEVING AND TRUSTING OTHERS WILL LIKE HER] and unfortunately I find enough people to reinforce my beliefs. [YOU EXPECT TO FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF WHEN ASSOCIATING WITH PEOPLE, AND SO YOU SEEK OUT THOSE THAT MAKE IT SO. IT’S THE SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY WORKING AGAINST YOU. YOU CAN REVERSE THE EFFECT BY MERELY ASSOCIATING WITH PEOPLE THAT MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF.]
I’m just angry and I feel it in my heart. [THAT’S A PROBLEM.] Even when I talk to men, I come off as combative, competitive, and argumentative (because of my hardened heart [GOOD DIAGNOSIS OF THE ROOT PROBLEM]) as I feel so used and abused by them [YOUR CHOICES, AND PASSING THE BLAME SLOWS YOUR RECOVERY.]
…but then again, I don’t really know how to relate to the opposite sex in a friendship sort of way. [THAT’S A PROBLEM.] I’m open to your wisdom and insights and if you need more info from me to gain a better understanding, I’ll be happy to share. I want to feel happy, feminine, joyful and optimistic again (if I’ve ever felt that way). [STRIKE THE UNDERLINED FROM YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. YOU NEED SELF-AFFIRMATION MORE THAN SELF-DOUBT.]
I want marriage, children, a bright future but as you say it just seems elusive. [YOU AND I HAVE ALREADY DEVELOPED A GOOD WORKING RELATIONSHIP. EARLIER I SAID TO DEVELOP A NEW LIFE BY STARTING WITH YOUR GIRLHOOD HOPES AND DREAMS. YOUR SENTENCE PUTS US ON COMMON GROUND.]
MORE LATER. MY WORKSHEET IS ABOVE. I PLAN TO HIGHLIGHT EACH PROBLEM WITH ACTIONS DESIGNED TO RESOLVE IT. DON’T KNOW YET WHAT IT WILL LOOK LIKE BUT EXPECT SOMETHING IN A DAY OR TWO.
GUY
Thank you so much Guy and everyone who is contributing and helping.
I constantly do a lot of reflection, introspection and self-analysis. I am aware of myself, I just don’t know what to do about it or I’m not sure hence why I finally reached out. I’ve been reading your blog for a year now and I’ve shared with friends. I’ve read the virtual virginity series and have attempted to try it but like I mentioned, old habits die hard. The inner voices from the past, unforgiveness, shame, guilt, embarrassment, etc., trip me up and I go back to not feeling undeserving again. I will read the boot camp for girls series. I will take notes from the above mentioned and follow any action steps you suggest. I’ll get back to my childhood/girlhood hopes and dreams and journal about this. I have a habit of passing blame and your comments made me aware of how easily I do this and one of the reasons why I have set backs. I await your action steps.
@The Horse is Dead….I will look into that book and reach out to Life Choices as a step toward my road to recovery. Thank you.
Your Highness Screamstyle,
You may have just uncovered a major gift of yours. You’re an encourager of considerable magnitude, as you just exhibited. Keep that switch turned on and see if you can do more of it with people with whom you associate. Oh, not about your life but about your experiences that you see reflected oppositely and beneficially in them. Encourage them for what you admire.
You say, “The inner voices from the past, unforgiveness, shame, guilt, embarrassment, etc., trip me up and I go back to not feeling undeserving again.” You mentioned the secret word, unforgiveness. That’s the first thing we have to work on. Review your belief system for whatever connection you have with Jesus Christ. Please disclose it as a guide for me to proceed. (I don’t intend to tell you to get religion, although your road will be smoother if you do.)
Guy
I grew up in the church as a young child, accepted Christ as my lord and savior at the age of 23. I’ve followed guides and resources about forgiviness and I know in Christ I am free from condemnation. Problem is I get this intellectually but it hasn’t registered deep in my psyche and spirit yet. I’ve got blocks and image wounds in the way. I’m not a religious person, but I embrace that I’m a spiritual being as I understand that a force within me had me reach out to you for guidance and assistance on how to reconnect with my feminine nature. I listened to ITs suggestion and acted on it.
Your Highness Screamstyle,
Thanks, I needed to know that.
Guy
I’m contemplating on your words, “I’m an encourager of considerable magnitude.” I’m reading my words again to for where you got that :-)..either way…thank you for noticing a “gift” I have and making me aware of it.
Your Highness Screamstyle,
Just look at how encouraged I and some of the ladies became to respond to your experience by using our experience. The experience you described energized our willingness to help.
Guy
Your Highness Screamstyle,
I’m moving to another state next month and will be offline for some undetermined time. So, we have about a month to get you on and beyond the exit ramp from the multiplex of sadness, depression, misery, etc. I shall start with assignments of new tasks for you that are aimed at generating beneficial habits of recovery. I start with assignments rather than logic, reasoning, and explanations. How and why things work will come later.
Keep this in mind. Bad habits of thought or behavior are difficult and even worse when you try to avoid them. The best and most successful way imposes new habits on top of the old; it enables the deliberateness of the new to push the obstinacy of the old into the forgotten past.
Here’s how I view our relationship.
MY MISSION. Advise and guide Screamstyle through a makeover in order for her to gain control over, find pleasantness in, and earn happiness for the rest of her life.
MY EXPECTATIONS OF YOU
I. Inform yourself, figure out how best to fit my information and suggestions into your life, and reinforce the depth of your dedication to turning your life around.
II. Convince yourself that you’re willing and can adopt and live with many new behaviors aimed at developing new habits that take months to form.
III. Continue with those new habits that will eventually restore your feminine nature and darken and nullify pop culture values, standards, and the expectations of others.
IV. Keep me informed weekly of your progress.
Here’s how I want to get you started.
THREE TASKS TO START IMMEDIATELY
1. Start or continue journalizing daily events. Preferably in longhand, record events, thoughts, and ideas that affirm your importance, prettiness, and good or greater thoughts about yourself. Avoid all negatives. Record only the positive and favorable. Anything that you call makeover progress record it as such. Forget all mistakes; they add nothing.
2. Find a way to spend 30-minutes a day alone in front of a big mirror. Preferably on arising and before others in your home are up. Talk to your image verbally or under your breath. Dump your anxieties one by one on your best-friend reflection. Then talk your way through each anxiety by defining solutions or recoveries that come from feminine values and thoughts expressed in the default attitude listing or elsewhere in the blog. Specifically avoid pop culture values and your previous way of thinking. Over a week or more you should deal with many DAs in some way or another as useful to settle or ease most anxieties. It’s problem-solving talk, and it commits you to follow your own image in the mirror which is always right as long as you’re honest with yourself. It also promotes a new image of yourself away from the mirror. The avoidance of boredom during 30-minute episodes will urge you to find new anxieties/problems to consider.
3. By yourself alone, attend the same church every Sunday at the same time. Arrive 30 minutes before service begins and study your bible. Sit alone where you can be approached from any side. Dress beautifully so that you earn and deserve the interest of anyone that approaches and speaks. If you choose, attend Sunday School but do it as extra. If you receive invitation to coffee or lunch after church, show interest but no excitement, pleasantness but no anxieties. You must be catered to and not the other way around.
Now, I expect your first reaction is negative and I don’t blame you. However, I firmly believe that what you expect to happen requires drastic measures. What I propose puts you in direct charge of your life in ways that you cannot envision now. Later you will see it. A progress report in a week, okay?
Guy
Yes. I will begin here with your suggestions and recommendations. Yes…progress report in one week
Your Highness Screamstyle,
Thank you, darling. I love it when pretty women tell me that.
Guy
Hello Lady Screamstyle,
Long time reader of the blog and I have a book that WILL be able to help you called “Forgiven and Set Free.” It is available on Amazon. However, I would not recommend completing this study alone. Working through this study was the hardest thing I could do at the time, but it changed the course of my life. My suggestion is to contact Life Choices in Memphis, TN. They specialize in post-abortion counseling and ask them to connect you with someone in your city who can help you through the study, preferably with other post-abortive women who are tired of hating themselves. Happy, feminine, joyful, optimistic…begin with forgiveness.
Thank you. Will look into this
Hi Screamstyle,
I just have to say I can relate to some of the things you mention in your replies…letting go of the past, listening to the negative voices, forgiving yourself for past mistakes, etc. It’s a tough road, but I have to hang on to Mr. Guy’s mantra, “RECOVERY IS EVERYTHING”. This saying helps me so much, because as long as I have breath in my body I can recover from past mistakes. I look at it as God’s grace…always present to allow me to do better.
I stumbled upon this blog in March, and I can honestly say I am a VERY different woman in just over 3 months. This blog has been an amazing gift from God. Listen to Guy’s advice, read and re-read the various series that apply to you. If you’re like me, it’s all of them…lol. That negative stuff is going to always find a way to creep up, but really, Recovery Is Everything!!! Give yourself a chance.
Thank you Shanna.
Dear Screamstyle,
I’d like to add that some of the issues you mentioned have been issues for me as well so don’t feel alone, but let’s both try to move forward (I sometimes let past mistakes haunt me). I agree with what Guy said above that poor choices can be helpful tools to make better choices in the future. I have seen that in my life.
I also want to admire what I now know of your character on two more points:
1. The willingness to reach out to others (I believe this to be a very strong trait of people who end up with success).
2. Your positive attitude about change. If you felt there was no hope or no chance of achieving your goals you would not be here at all. You would be stuck but this is not the case. You are not stuck. You are not in a place of endless waiting (I’m reminded of the children’s book by Dr. Seuss Oh The Places You’ll Go where so many people find themselves with excuses for not taking action). This is not you, you want improvement and are going after it.
It is my strong belief that if your heart has a deep desire for marriage and children then that is what is best and intended for you and that there is someone who is looking for you also.
In the meanwhile, I also agree that finding something where you are helping others can be one of the best possible uses of your time and energy. You may already be doing some volunteer or charity work for the betterment of mankind but if not, this is the best homework.
Thank you MLaRowe, I will study your suggestions about volunteering and charity and add this to my lifestyle.
Your Highness Screamstyle,
Her highness MLaRowe is right. It works this way for you. You give of yourself, it’s appreciated, and others provide feedback that reinforces your sense of importance, which you need frequently. The more you build up your sense of importance, then the more you like your self-image, appreciate your self-worth, and love your self-interest, which in turn makes you pursue greater importance until your uniqueness shines in the eyes of men. Not what you do appeals to men. But how and what you radiate earns masculine attention and admiration.
Guy
I’m looking forward to beginning your assignment this week. Thank you so much for this. I’m already feeling optimistic about the possibility of it all. I’m looking forward to developing new habits and implementing these steps and updating you on my progress.
Your Highness Screamstyle,
Thanks for disclosing your dedication. It’s encouraging.
Guy
Your Highness Screamstyle,
Homework Assignment #01 — Journal
In your daily meanderings of thought, identify and specify anything and everything about which you are grateful and record it in your journal. If one particular keeps coming to mind, record it each time. Record at least one new thing each day and repeats don’t count as new.
Recall what your girlhood hopes and dreams were for the long range future of your life? If yes, then descriptively journal it. If no, keep trying to figure out just what you dreamed about before puberty and record that. Not fears, just uplifting dreams of the bright future you imagined or envisioned.
Best wishes for good writing,
Guy
Thank you Guy. I’ve begun here already. I’ve started journaling about my day, making it a point to focus on the positive. I will include this focus to my writing this evening.
Thank you for this and your acknowledgement as this inspires confidence.
Looking forward to those updates.
Your Highness MLaRowe,
Me too but which updates?
Guy
Sorry I meant to attach that comment to the last thing Screamstyle said. How are you today Dear Guy? Well I hope. I’m at the place where I check here daily and if you havent posted anything new I read or re-read something. I’m finding I have favorite posts of yours that are nice to revisit.
Your Highness MLaRowe,
Today’s post was a response to Her Highness Lauren. See her next-to-last comment cited in the right hand column of the home screen. It should interest you.
Guy
Oh all the updates, I think you gave a good list of tasks. Sometimes I feel better just having a list of what I need to do next. Sort of like a roadmap to feeling better about oneself.
Guy, I had an anxiety this morning but could not find a sufficient enough default attitude from the list to help change my belief. Maybe you can help me here.
I’ve approached men in the past because I’ve heard many men say they are flattered when a woman does it, but when I’ve found myself doing it, I always feel uneasy, like I should not have approached first. Is it a belief of our feminine nature that women do not have to approach men or engage them? I was looking for a default attitude that touched on this, ” I don’t need to approach a man or solicit any sort of relationship from him as smiling is enough or something to this regard.”
Your Highness Screamstyle,
It’s natural that you feel uneasy. I added #86 default attitude and for now it looks like this.
86. I put myself at disadvantage if I approach men first. Something inside disturbs my mind even when men say they are flattered and other women encourage it to hide or join their shame for having done it. [Guy explains: Men don’t expect it and don’t respect women that do it. It smacks that she’s desperate, because she comes out of her male-expected cocoon of uniqueness. Female desperation prevents the development of manly respect. Men expect women to be independent and uniquely self-sufficient, which a man’s nature expects to last until he proactively turns her interests toward him. If she approaches, she takes away his opportunity to earn her attention, which means he doesn’t much respect whatever attention she gives him. Her approach also takes away his opportunity to admire the effects he expects to produce. Provided, that is, if he’s interested in her for more than sex. (Special credit to Screamstyle for her contribution identifying this female blessing that comes with birth.)]
Guy
Read post 202 – about middle of the way through.
It’s my belief that men have a biological need to be the one to pursue the female if they are to value her.
Your Highness Screamstyle,
Homework Assignment #02 — Book Report
Buy this book and read from it in bed every night with all TVs OFF. If it doesn’t hold your interest, you and I may be doing the wrong thing. The book: A Return to Modesty — Discovering the Lost Virtue is by Wendy Shalit. Include a thought or two about it in your weekly progress report.
Best wishes for good reading from excellent source.
Guy
P.S. Holler if I overload you.
G.
I think homework assignment my #2 is great. I presently do not have the income to purchase this so I’ll see which library I might find it. Thank you
Your Highness Krysie869,
EDITOR’S NOTE: I RESPOND IN CAPS TO your questions in lower case WITH PARAGRAPHS BROKEN FOR EASE OF READING.
GUY
What if I am interested in a guy who I have met and worked with (he is a tutor) but don’t really know well. (He doesn’t know me well either, I don’t think he even knows my first name!) Are you saying it would be too desperate for me to approach him? NO, BUT KEEP IT PROFESSIONAL, NOT PERSONAL. IF YOU START GETTING PERSONAL, IT WILL SIGNAL DESPERATION TO HIM.
I did say hello (being friendly) and he responded well by smiling and asking me very platonic questions about my classes. THAT’S A GOOD START. ALWAYS BE FRIENDLY AND SMILE BUT LITTLE ELSE EXCEPT TO RESPOND TO HIS PROFESSIONAL INITIATIVES.
Did he see me as desperate in this situation? NO! He does not seem to recoil when he sees me, very friendly. GOOD. AN ON-THE-JOB RELATIONSHIP IS STARTING TO BUILD. KEEP IT PROFESSIONAL UNTIL HE LEADS THE WAY TO SOMETHING ELSE.
Also, I applied for a position in his department and I would hear him saying under his breath, “Good I have some company.” THAT SHOULD BE A GOOD SIGN BECAUSE IT HAS A WELCOMING EFFECT.
Is he flirting with me? IF SO IT’S NOT OBVIOUS. He also said something similar when I moved closer to him. I simply responded by smiling in both situations. GOOD, THAT’S APPROPRIATE.
Also, since I am sure he doesn’t know my name, should I tell him next time I see him? NO, NO, NO. MAKE HIM FISH IT OUT OF YOU. GET IN THE HABIT NOW OF MAKING HIM WORK TO FIND OUT ANYTHING PERSONAL ABOUT YOU.
He refers to me as “girls” since he normally sees me with my sister. THAT’S GOOD BUT DON’T BE SURPRISED IF HE FAVORS SISTER OVER YOU. IF IT HAPPENS THAT WAY, BOW ASIDE AND FAVOR AND HELP YOUR SISTER. OTHERWISE YOU’LL MAKE ENEMIES OF BOTH.
NOW REMEMBER TWO THINGS. 1) PROFESSIONAL FRIENDLINESS IS GOOD AS LONG AS THE PERSONAL IS SUPPRESSED ON THE JOB UNTIL A RELATIONSHIP DEVELOPS DEEPLY. 2) ALL THAT I’VE WRITTEN ABOVE IS BASED ON THE NATURE OF MEN AND WOMEN THAT THEY INHERIT AT BIRTH. MANY LESSONS LEARNED IN LIFE CAN CAUSE THINGS TO HAPPEN VERY DIFFERENTLY. SO, JUST USE THE INFO ABOVE TO HELP YOU FIGURE OUT JUST HOW TO DEAL WITH HIM.
Hello and good evening Guy. I share my weekly update.
1) I got a contract/consulting role this week so I’ll have steady income for the next six months. I’m feeling really grateful for the opportunity to share my knowledge and expertise in this position and I’m feeling a wave of self-respect slowly take over.
2) Last Sunday, I attended church for the first time in about 7 months. I found the praise and worship very moving as it had me in tears, I also found the sermon about transition to be in line with where I am going. It was my first visiting this particular church and I enjoyed it and I’m looking forward to attending again next Sunday.
3) I found getting in the mirror everyday a bit challenging, especially on days when I had no pressing place to go. I found myself getting dressed, hair, makeup and all only when I had someplace to go. I attempted 3 days this week, but with two interviews this week, I put my mirror time on the back burner until it was time to go. I’ll work to increase how often I do this in the coming week.
4) I did do my daily affirmations. I took some of the phrases from DA and recorded them over mediation music so I could listen first thing in the morning. I found my spirit encouraged and uplifted after 30 minutes of listening.
5) I picked up A Return to Modesty from my local library and I found the first chapter from Sex Education to Hoop up and Dumpee to be quite interesting. Who would have thought? I remember sex education in the 5th grade and found it quite odd I was learning about this subject. I tend to be the kind of person who likes to try out what I learn just to confirm if it works or not and this class this early in my education may have spurred my curiosity. Also…I found the hookup/Dumpee chapter intriguing. I always thought guys checked up on you because there was some possibility of you both getting back together after the hookup and you wanted to keep the door open. I had no idea it stemmed from a few words from a book about “hook up points.” It’s amazing how we can shape our whole lives around this “pop culture…a culture with no depth, substance and value. You really have to protect yourself from its influences albeit hard.
5) I found myself being more conscious of the movies and songs I listened too. There were times when I’d leave the TV/Radio to pop culture channels and instantly became aware of how fascinated we are with sex. It has to be discussed in movies and in music at every turn. It’s like we are subliminally being brainwashed to adopt a certain lifestyle. I even found references about std’s to be made comical. I find this weird and intriguing. References to romance are made to be funny…hence romantic comedy. It’s all just too much and I can see where some of my cognitive dissonance has come from.
6) I’ve been journaling but fell off after 3 days. I found myself feeling happier and lighter when I focused on the positives and only wrote about what I felt grateful for. I’d forget the past and when a gentleman did call to say hello, I didn’t come off harsh, mean or aggressive. I was actually pleasant. I did find that old thoughts from the past about my actions would spring up every time I watched pop culture tv shows or listened to pop culture music on the radio. I now see why you say to avoid it.
I’m looking forward to an eventful week, applying more discipline around some key areas. I’ll start my new role this week too. Maybe knowing I have to get up early for work will help me carve out those 30 minutes of me time with my best friend.
Your Highness Screamstyle,
It’s a wonderful report topped only by your discovery process that signifies recovery progress. I will find some way next weekend to find and read your report. It’s too good for me to let it lie idle very long.
Guy
P.S. I haven’t mentioned yet that I’m taking off for about 10 days starting Tuesday 7/22.
G.
Your Highness Screamstyle,
I’m back at work. How have you been doing? Progress? I would like to hear from you regardless of progress or no.
Guy
Sir Guy,
There seems to be an assumption that all feminine women want their men to fully disclose, emotional depth, etc. I however find it very uncomfortable and lose attraction for a man who acts like this in early dating phase. It does not exude strength and stability to be whining or sharing as a woman would. I’m more comfortable if a man’s legitimate complaints are shrouded in a competitive frustration/anger rather than “oh poor me” make me feel better. Men hinting for compliments with words comes off as insecure also a huge turn off. This kind of emotional vulnerability should not be evident until after marriage or some significant tragedy. I have found middle-age men are more like this than younger men. I dont know Sir Guy if that makes me more or less feminine in my interactions with men but I do not lack for suitors and often feel frustrated (man up guys!) and guilty for terminating things with suitors in a matter of weeks. As always, I sure do appreciate your gentlemanly perspective and insight.
Your Highness Amazing Gracee,
You’re right. You’re running into men who try to be more like women, and therefore more appealing. It’s caused by women acting more like men and it’s spread culturally.
Each chance you get tell them this. “I like men who brag about themselves.” Or, “Whiners never win but braggarts do.”
Now I know you’re not about to say those things, but you can find your personal way to leave your opinion with them.
Guy
When a man shows you that he can’t take life, believe him. The “poor me” attitude that so many modern men have is beyond pathetic. Especially when they complain about women. And it’s not only in the so-called “manosphere” online communities that you see this. Plenty of men who supposedly separate themselves from those communities are constantly whining about women and blaming women for every problem that they have in life. It’s hard not to feel contempt for them.
When a woman is constantly criticizing men I roll my eyes and leave. When a man is constantly criticizing women I know it’s time to get my running shoes on and head for the hills (I did especially when I was single). I suspect that at least some other women feel the same way because those men are FOREVER single and don’t get much (if any) sex. And of course, they turn around and blame–who else?– womynz!
But the culture of blaming the opposite sex for every problem under the sun takes us nowhere. When we take responsibility for our actions and the necessary steps for improvement, that’s when we see change. Not when we deflect and point the finger at others.
Side note: There is a real problem of victimhood and not taking ANY responsibility for one’s actions in modern society. I’m a teacher and see it in the classroom ALLLLLLL THE TIME. I tell my students to own what they did wrong. So glad my parents did with me when I was growing up and I want to do the same when I have my own kids instead of sticking up for them and blaming other people like so many modern parents do. See, it all starts at home.
Your Highness Magnolia,
Re you side note: Children who accept no responsibility are the victims of poor parenting. Kids learn responsibility by their actions to perform chores, special tasks, and other responsibilities where they have full authority to do the job including learning to do it right. Left to develop themselves with chores and special tasks, they adopt responsibility as part of their lives. No chores, too much supervision, or parental criticism can shortstop development of a sense of being responsible for self.
Guy
Sir Guy,
Thank you so much for always following up with us. I am interested in keeping and improving this discipline to which I joyfully subject myself to– pretty time, indirect relationship manager and everything else that you discuss on this blog. Not that I do it perfectly, but I improve every day. In the same way I want to hold my (future) children to high standards as you suggest. Discipline pays off and it is lacking to an extent in today’s society that it makes me very sad. I love how you challenge us to be the best version of ourselves. The view nowadays is that someone should pay for my college education (among many other examples) because I’ve been a victim for too long. And “they” owe “us.” Forget that! So, thank you for challenging us to expect more from ourselves and strive for more. Societies do better when each person is responsible for his/her actions.
Your Highness Magnolia,
To your sound comment, allow me to throw out a cautionary note to all current and prospective parents. The term ‘discipline’ is too often related (think of school, etc.) to punishment than to it’s better and more proper function for guiding parents.
I prefer the use of self-discipline which children can easily learn within their own self-development and with minimum parental supervision. It’s best promoted by parents assigning chores, special tasks, and assignments slightly above a child’s age and up to which children are expected to step, accept responsibility, accomplish regularly, and learn to master on their own. IOW, if parents put responsibility in a developing child’s hands as a form of self-discipline, they will enter adulthood with a strong sense of responsibility.
Guy