828. Response to Viewer — Item 27

Her Highness QEII at #827 inquired about men that cheat: “Is there a certain untrustworthy type of man (because of upbringing) or does it always come down to a balance of power and respect in particular pairings?”

All men are not destined to cheat, but all are susceptible. God’s design and Nature’s hormones lock in primal urges to both compete with men and conquer females. Many men purposely move from susceptible to cheater. Others slip. Still others are lured.

One characteristic most often pressures men to be unfaithful: Adolescent-mindedness carried into adulthood. Unfortunately, it’s fairly common.

Robert Bly, author of The Sibling Society, claims society has millions of adults with adolescent mindsets. Some families are several generations deep in adolescents raising adolescents. Throughout life adult-adolescents unconditionally respect their own generation—as if they’re all siblings in life together—but they show highly conditional respect and often disrespect for other people.  

Her Highness QEII nailed it with this phrase “because of upbringing.” The values that bring success to teens imprint for life, but earlier childhood lays the foundation.

Life between infancy and puberty shapes children for life. Brought up without being taught to live with and within mature adult values, boys and girls pass through puberty and teen years with vacuum-cleaner minds sucking up adolescent values. The child enters adulthood by keeping whatever mixture of mature adult values and newly absorbed adolescent values that brought success as a teen.

Thus, adult-adolescents carry a predominantly teen mindset for life. Remember WADWMUFGAO—we all do what makes us feel good about ourselves. Immature adolescents show much less respect for and discretion regarding others. This translates as less conscience regarding faithfulness.

This tends to confirm once a cheater always a cheater. But it doesn’t allow for a man’s makeover from guilt, religious salvation, or newfound respect for spouse. Many cheaters are capable but too few become willing, perhaps because too few women have escaped the same mental shortcoming of living an adult life with an adolescent mindset.

In the final analysis, the best insurance against cheating is a man’s loyalty to himself, his own personal integrity. His word to himself means more than other words, temptations, or enticements, including those of an attractive female drawing him into her web. (I wonder how many wives encourage and reinforce husband’s personal integrity, his sticking by his words and commitments on principle—especially when she dislikes the outcome.)

827. Old School vs. New School #02

Old school female thinking: If girls learn how to keep a husband, as women they have little trouble catching one.

• Sex does not bond men. So, unmarried females withhold sex and make their selves more mysterious, promising, and sexually unattainable except through marriage.
• Sex does bond women. So, unmarried females withhold sex to prevent bonding with Mr. Wrong.
• A man’s character is the most important thing to consider for marriage. Withholding sex brings out the true nature of males trying to conquer a female.
• If guys want frequent and convenient access to sex, they have to marry. Most men eagerly sought marriage early in life.

 New school female thinking: Girls learn how to catch a boyfriend, but as women they lack ability to keep a husband.

• Mothers pressure daughters to become popular, so they appeal more attractively for the sake of winning a boyfriend. Being without ghastly affects a young girls psyche, or so girls learn to think.
• Pressured to socialize more deeply, girls engage in cheap and easy sex. The practice carries into adulthood.
• Girls and women punish themselves by having to escape sexual bonding with men no longer interested in them. Left in the lurch, they never see the church with that last guy. (How many ‘last guys’ do modern females go through?)
• When they do see the church, the groom has not undergone the examination that relationship experts should give to candidates with whom they expect to spend the rest of life.
• Women rationalize that everybody is doing it, so there can’t be anything wrong or else for them to do.  

 And old and modern men say: You can catch me any day with sex. You can keep me all your life, if you offer a better deal than other women, and better life than I now have.

 And Guy says: He marries for the promise he sees in her as wife, and not for what she provides today or promises for marriage.

826. Response to Viewer — Item 26

Her Highness Morning Glory at #822 inquired why “if a woman ‘loses’ respect for her husband that it was all his fault (he was too acquiescent, never made plans, etc.).” She wonders if women are not partly to blame.

SEX DIFFERENCE: A man’s devotion is based on respect for her. Her devotion is based on hope for them.

DEVOTION: A man’s devotion is based on three things: His respect for her gender, her female virtue as assessed before conquest, and her self-respect after conquest. Weaken any and his respect and devotion weaken.

Women are quite different. Female devotion flows out of willingness and self-confidence—basically hope— that she can orchestrate their relationship and fulfill her female hopes and dreams.

RESPECT: Respect for him flows out of that configuration of estimates, interpretations, and mere guesses about the promise he holds for her. (Her hope often overpowers his promise as spouse and accounts for many bad judgments by females.)

His promise for her earns her respect followed by her rising hope and from which her devotion emerges. First, his promise. Second, her respect. Third, her hope. Fourth, her devotion. All in that order, but he’s much simpler: Respect enables devotion.

LOSS OF RESPECT: To lose her respect for him, let’s reverse that progression. She first loses devotion. Then she loses hope followed by loss of respect, as her view of his promise deteriorates. His promise changed, because her devotion and hope declined. (Unless, of course, he actually changed, which men don’t normally do. She probably previously misjudged his promise.)

Devoted to him, she respects his opinions, judgments, and decisions. Losing that devotion means she no longer respects what he says and does. This translates to loss of hope. She’s no longer willing and confident her hopes and dreams will be fulfilled, so she loses respect for him generally.

SHE LOSES IT ALL: Since her respect flows out of his promise for her, she first gives up her devotion, then her hope, and then respect for him.

She loses willingness and confidence and, consequently, both hope and self-respect. Weakened self-respect means that his devotion weakens, and their separation feelings tend to become mutual.

Respect fuels his devotion to her. Hope fuels her devotion to him. She’s much more comfortable citing loss of respect for him than loss of hope for herself. In this way she betrays her female strengths and undercuts the benefits only a man can provide.

825. Response to Viewer — Item 25

QUESTION: Her Highness Mari at #822 asked how to overcome the husbandly inclination to do no more than fulfill the masculine primal need to eat, flop, and sleep with wife?

ANSWER: No inclination to keep her pleased means: (1) She places demands on him instead of something more agreeable, and he withdraws. Or (2) she’s shy of self-respect. We shall focus here on only the second cause.

When men coast and do only the minimum, they lack great or higher level respect and devotion for spouse—less drive to keep her pleased. A man’s devotion for a woman radiates from respect built upon this three-legged platform:

1.     Unconditional respect for the female gender inculcated before he experienced puberty.

2.     Respect built before conquest and based on his appraisal of her feminine virtue and the promise she shows as potential wife.

3.     Her self-respect confirmed, maintained, and reinforced after conquest.

Weaken any leg and his devotion weakens. After marriage she can only reinforce the last leg, so generating any change in him involves working on herself to increase self-respect. Everything’s relative, recovery is everything, but she can’t change him.

Recovery: Build up and reinforce her self-respect without disturbing him. This means do it slowly, patiently, indirectly regarding him, and give no appearance that she’s a different woman. Just a more self-respecting one. Slow, easy, and discreetly works best.

Now, I know women object, because all the blame seems to fall their way; they have to do all the work for recovery. The article above reads that “she has an arrangement of her own making.” She didn’t evaluate him relative to the first leg of the platform above, and she put too little emphasis on the second leg. She did not fully develop her promise for him. This makes the third leg tougher to reinforce.

824. Response to Viewer — Item 24

QUESTION: At #822 their highnesses Mari inquired and Morning Glory confirmed. They wondered about the lathering of too much or too many displays of affection on men, and Mari said: “…it leaves the hubby feeling uncomfortable. But how much is too much?”

ANSWER: He’s not like her. He needs very little compared to her.

He expects and appreciates her support for his missions in life, not lovey-dovey attentions and canoodling as she would have it. If he acts or seems to feel uncomfortable, she’s probably gone too far.

Females are relationship experts; they read body language and non-verbal clues much better than males. This enables keener judgments, which empower her to do better.

Men have missions in life. Women have life as their mission. To be more expressive/useful/valuable around the home, he needs to have missions to expand his interest there and stay focused on them.

So she can take a different approach than love and affection. For example, build and don’t tear down his ego. Cite and talk up his proficiency and value at handling various things, e.g., homecare projects, canoodling, intimacy, foreplay, after-play, or whatever else seems to be missing from her life.

Not an end-game, it’s THE process of female life with a man. These things help: indirectness, pleasantness, and harmony.

823. Old School vs. New School #01

• Old school feminine wisdom: Women liked to cook more than eat, so obesity was rare. Kitchen bosses ‘brung’ together hungry folks to enjoy their handiwork. It kept mothers as primary leader full of self-respect, which earned respect of family. Also, love of mom’s cooking lasted for life.
• New school feminist fallout: Women dislike cooking but love to eat and snack even unto obesity. As tween girls they don’t learn to enjoy cooking and serving others, because their moms learned to avoid what pleases men but to compensate them with sex.  
• And men say: I only absolutely need one thing: A place to flop, eat, and rest up for tomorrow’s battles. Sure wish the food did more for my palate than her desire to be like other women liberated from the kitchen.

 

NOTE: Publishing a short post today. Big moment at home: It’s Mrs. Guy’s 55^th Anniversary (insignificant number), and I’m celebrating 20,089 days (very significant) of marriage that turned blissful after I got her trained exactly as she wants me. Good fortune doesn’t get much greater, thanks to her.

822. RANDOM THOUGHTS — Group 14

 

• A wife often fully discloses and keeps her feelings for husband out in the open. She overdoes lathering him with affection and appreciation. It  overloads him with uncomfortable thoughts that he’s somehow lacking for not doing the same. Emotional discomfort causes a man to search for comfort in something other than her.
• If a married man only eats and flops at home and uses wife for sex, then she has an arrangement of her own making. She had a courtship and possesses the relationship expertise to evaluate his self-centeredness, prospects for pleasing her, and potential to help achieve her hopes and dreams.
• Sexual incompatibility is a function of not trying to work together, which likely comes from immaturity, lack of mutual respect, lack of self-respect, selfishness, self-centeredness, narcissism, or several of the above.
• For dispute resolution women focus on equality, and men focus on fairness. Reaching for equality causes further disruption, but fairness possesses a settling effect. Wife being submissive may be no more than accepting fairness as ultimate common denominator in the home. 
• Men need priming to assume the particular responsibility that makes the conscience work, aka holding Self accountable. Men in fact tend to avoid it, so females and especially moms must assume a teaching role if they expect something different. (As Tocqueville said: “Morals are the work of woman.”)

821. Gender Differences Revisited — Group T

1. Women offer sex to find love that does not bond. Men offer love that does not bond to find sex.
2. Women expect men to love and cherish as females do, but it’s another natural inequity.
3. Men naturally judge a woman by her outer self. Women naturally judge a man by his inner self.  
4. Men give to gain something in exchange, even if only ego satisfaction. Women give in response to their nurturing spirit or to show gratitude.
5. Women intuitively measure a man’s devotion by his level of unselfishness with her. Men don’t think about it; they follow their instincts and feelings about their woman.
6. Women can turn an inadequate man into an adequate mate and vice versa. Men can only turn adequate wives inadequate.
7. Women favor feelings, feedback, and felicity. Men favor facts, thinking, logic, and reason.
8. Women notice and appreciate the flowers on the table in restaurants. Men say, “Where? Oh, there?”