2041. Single Women Don’t Pay — II


Ladies and gentleman, your dialogue at part I pleases me. It adds value to the blog. So, thanks. I never made this point. Men are born expecting to pay for dating and courtship. It’s in their heart to step up to that plate. I hope to show you.

Your dialogue at 2040 reveals the experiences and expectations that exist in your memory, your present, and your future. It’s quite normal. But blog contributions remain mostly outside those thoughts. My standpoint comes from how men and women are born differently. How their natures differ, how hardwired and thus default conditions lead them until they learn something else that seems to keep or merge them more comfortably into whatever life they have.

To inject myself into your dialogue, let me state something new. Out of its roots, the male nature applies pressure such that men expect to pay in the cases under discussion. That’s right. Deep in their heart of hearts, men know they should pay for everything—but they’re neither dishonest nor obligated (more later). Nature guides both sexes toward that conclusion. Let’s see if I can make it make sense to you all.

As women go so goes society, which means that males adhere to female values when women insist. Nature mandates it. While men dominate society, they do whatever women require for men to have frequent and convenient access to sex. Being competitive, the male nature expects access to be costly, and the male desire for efficiency pushes men to seek cost-relief all along the conquering way. Consequently, the primary reason that guys expect gals to pay comes out of the male drive for efficiency, which means that he starts with the expectation that he had to pay and expects to pay if she is worth it. That implies that she’s worth less if he insists or even appreciates it when she pays. It also implies that her sexual assets are more easily available, which slows her earning of his respect, which makes it easier for hit and run fun.

Let’s go back to primal urges cited throughout the blog.

  • Men are driven to compete with Nature, other men, and to control human events. Dating pits them competitively against Nature, the female kind. Women need a brighter future. Single women look for a mate but not just anyone. They want and naturally screen for someone they can lean on when times are tough. A responsible man they can depend on. One who won’t abandon them. So, dating puts them in a highly competitive mode. Can he qualify for her? Is he worthy of her? Is he dependable and responsible? What does it say when he expects her to pay? To her, he’s responsible to win her but ducking out of paying seems irresponsible since he’s obviously unwilling to pay up front to confirm his leader role. In which case, how chintzy will he be if they continue? Tightwad husband? Weak leader? Who wants that?
  • The essence of dating is that the guy competes to earn his way into her bed first and maybe her heart later. He wants himself embedded in her heart before she ever becomes embedded in his. If he’s not fully dedicated for her first and bed second, then how does he make it easier on himself? He gets her to pay. If he’s dedicated to capturing her for herself more than sex, he’s more than eager to pay for everything—at least in his heart whether he has the finances or not.
  • If he fails to get her into bed, she defeats him. He earns no self-admiration that way plus his significance takes a hit. He isn’t likely to risk that for some money, except as anecdotal evidence encourages him.
  • His primary motivation is to earn self-admiration. The dating man earns it by achieving what he’s after. If he expects her to pay and she does, he wins. If she refuses, he loses that round. If he loses, he either loses interest in her or he decides to win her favor some other way. Either way she wins. With less interest in her, he’s worthless. With more interest in her, he’s more interesting too. If she pays as he was after her to do, the satisfaction of achieving subdues his motivation. He no longer seeks the same thing. He either pulls back or sets new goals.
  • Fears—rejection and failure among them—seduce him to avoid investing himself for access to sex with her. Spending money is small compared to his time, effort, thought, and convenience, which earn him a lot more in her heart than does his spending on her. Paying advances his agenda with least time and effort. It’s natural that he would seek that easy way to success, but it does little to buy his way into her heart.
  • His nature alerts him to this. If she’s willing to pay, she’s willing to accept him more easily into her bed. So, why not take a shortcut to finding out how productive their dating will be? He’s a producer trying for results. She’s a processor more interested in keeping things going.
  • There’s dishonesty wrapped up somewhere in human nature that causes men and women to do things contrary to what their hearts advise. Now men are hardwired to follow their hard-heartedness; but they are hard-hearted because women (except for sex) don’t rank as high as masculine interests. So, men feel little or no obligation to always pay unless they are so smitten about their date that sex gets pushed onto the back burner. He can’t afford to lose her.
  • Women, however, are not so easily excused from dishonesty. When women pay except in emergency, they shortcut their patience, amplify their fear of losing a potential mate, weaken their obligation to defend sexual assets, and help convince guys that women don’t have high expectations for mates. In short, when women don’t listen to their hearts, when they try to convince men that they are who they aren’t, the consequences work to a woman’s disfavor.
  • He realizes that anytime he can get her to pay, his job becomes easier and men are deeply involved with efficiency of effort. Paying on dates is an efficient way to keep the doors open to where he expects to take her. Paying symbolizes investing of himself but it’s not really an investment that generates hugs, kisses, affection, and all those other things that women crave from their man.
  • Modern women have started paying for or toward dating costs. Men learn to take advantage of it. However, men don’t truly appreciate it, because it doesn’t make them favor the payer more but seemingly less. Men learn to expect more out of her for less investment by him. IOW, he pays minimal price but people appreciate what they win more than what they are given. In fact, men don’t appreciate unearned gifts. If men pay for dates, they earn what they achieve. Moreover, by not paying, men don’t go whole hog investing themselves to win a date’s favor. By not investing himself spiritedly and honestly, he fails to brighten her future to the extent she expects. Therefore, when women pay they allow men to act less masculine, which in the final analysis within the male mind makes him less self-respectful aka less significant.
  • No doubt some men seek their date to pay in order to confirm they are at least that important to the gal. It’s not a very masculine way of looking at it, but in today’s social marketplace there seems to be an abundance of men who need confirmation in both that and other ways.

Now the sexes are designed beautifully different. I conclude that men are born with the hardwired expectation that duty calls them to pay for dating and courting. Of course, an expectation is not obligatory. But women benefit when men are made to live up to what’s resident in their hearts. When women set the standard, men step up because they won’t give up what women have to offer.

Now, this doesn’t answer the questions you all have generated in your dialogue. I will get to them soon, trying for today.

OPINION TIME. When she’s not more important than his money, she’s not respected enough for him to be a good husband. She should find it out before the altar. Pay up to get her up for a date is a major way to screen a guy for candidacy for marriage. She may tolerate his cheapness in courtship, but she will have a miserable marriage. If a man puts his money before his woman, he’s a moral failure.

 

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2040. Single Women Don’t Pay — I


Her Highness That Horse is Dead inquired at post 1661. “Would it say something about a man’s strength of character or motives if he did allow a woman to pay [when the bill arrives]?”

Yes, it would. Perhaps only questionable but it’s a pole on which a red flag may later fly. My reasoning works like this.

  • Not his words but his actions program his heart. When he doesn’t do things that he figures he should, his mind uncovers avenues of how to escape other obligations or responsibilities. The more he talks her into paying, the worse for her as the action programs his heart with the possibility that he can take advantage of her.
  • Her greatest need is for a brighter future, which means his role should have these features: 1) She can depend on him, which requires that he show himself to be reliably responsible. 2) His sense of duty is only as strong as his integrity and devotion to her. 3) Her best insurance for the future rests upon his integrity, his insistence on doing the right things and doing them correctly—with emphasis on doing rather than saying. 4) The right things are those that prove that he’s worthy of her and capable of helping and willing to promote her hopes and dreams—not just his.
  • Whether she pays part or all of a bill, it’s the same. It violates her interest and enhances his. She may be pleased and financially more able to be of help or show her appreciation. However, by doing so she teaches how easy she is to dominate or play against her best interest. She indirectly hints that she may be weak or a pushover and he can get his way on other things. Thus, she plants the seed of future discord by not establishing her standard, by not displaying her expectation that she’s worthy of special care if he hopes to win her heart, and by not holding him to account for his words of interest or affection. His actions cure her doubt. Her expectation that he pay cures some curiosity about her strength of character, which earns his respect.
  • Each crack in his integrity before marriage inevitably widens afterwards. If he’s willing to let her relieve him of a duty, a responsibility, she can’t depend on him to do the right thing in her future. What is the right thing? He has to prove himself worthy of her. When she volunteers to pay without emergency reason, she follows her mind instead of her heart, lowers her standard, and lessens the possibility that he will prove himself worthy of her expectation for their future.
  • She can easily infer that if her guy is generally weak on duties and responsibilities—eagerness to pay on dates is but one example, it easily translates to less than ideal integrity, which doesn’t bode well for her future.

When he continues to pay in dating and courtship, that and his other actions compound in his heart and he becomes more favorable to, for, and about her. He starts doing things to please himself that he’s pleasing her. Out of that, his devotion grows. Smart women insist on seeing devotion instead of giving all in exchange for a guy’s words of commitment.

Consequently, except in an emergency, let his ability and willingness to do the paying determine where, when, how, and why they do whatever they do together. If she can’t live with the results, she invites difficulty living with him as husband.

It should make no difference that she has greater income than he. As the relationship expert, she can find ways to use her extra money to brighten their marital future, if and when it arrives. But that’s another story.

 

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2039. Old School Movie: The Moon is Blue


Attention, Ladies,

I was recently captivated by an old school movie I’d never seen. The producer must have caught the censors napping. It’s much unlike other flicks from 1953. Not dirty but virginity is discussed, and it seems mild by today’s standards.

Darling of a fictional heroine, never-famous Maggie McNamara is given a superlative role and plays it beautifully. Heavyweight casting against her. She’s up against William Holden and David Niven in The Moon is Blue.

Her directness works very well in the movie; it’s entertaining. But in real life, I don’t think women could get by with it. I don’t suggest her character as role model, but recommend the movie just to enjoy an unusual story told very well about a different kind of woman.

I couldn’t find it on Netflix but didn’t look elsewhere.

Guy

 

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2038. Female Blessings at Birth — 55-57


This is the 19th group of three blessings that accompany women from birth and through the trials and tribulations of life. After publishing 54 blessings, the stats look like this:

  • Of 282 opinions cast on the first 54 blessings, 22 or 8% were false/questionable.
  • Only 15 blessings received false/questionable opinions. They received one or two but the “I am a great kisser” received the most — 4.

Of course there’s nothing scientific about the survey but then again, there’s nothing scientific about the blessings either. They mean nothing except theory except as women learn to use them to find gratitude within themselves—and perhaps reshape their lives contrary to the male-dominated pop culture and feminist-based values and outcomes that so demean women and deny children two-parent upbringing.

55. I believe that I can and will choose a superior mate—not superior of me but of others. After we marry, I can love him into changing whatever faults I discover I can’t live with. I don’t have faults but what my love will compensate. [Guy adds: Women are born with those almost contradictory beliefs. His faults she can’t see before the altar become visible soon after, which sets up the marital battleground that breeds competition and discourages her cooperative spirit. She has two battleground options but only one works to sustain the marriage. 1) Use indirect techniques, have patience, and allow time and his desire to please her which can enable and encourage him to morph from Mr. Good Enough into Mr. Right probably over the course of many years. 2) Set out purposely to change him soon for whatever reason and for whatever result.]

56. I determine my life and resolve my own problems, but sometimes I need help or advice. I don’t like it but when I accept blame for my own mistakes, I learn from the angst. It makes me more independent and considerate enough that I accept blame rather than impose it or let others assume it. [Guy adds: Your self-importance, self-worth, and self-image soar or nearly soar when you sacrifice yourself to lift blame from others, does it not?]

57. I can reward myself at the mirror in numerous ways such that when away I don’t crave as much attention as when I am not looking good. In other words, the better I feel about my appearance, the less confirmation I want, seek, or need. [Guy adds: The mirror and chatting with your best-friend image refills your heart with gratefulness for you, or you’re not doing it right.]

Thank you for your confirmation, doubt, or disagreement. More blessings from the list will follow in a day or two.

 

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2037. Porn and Men — Part IV: Her Recovery


Her Highness Anon at 1375 asked how to tell if husband is preoccupied with work or porn when his attention to her wanes. I aim this article at all women.

I focus on the possibility of it being porn. Caught once, a man has already developed a similar defense in case he’s caught again; it worked for him the last time. So, unless he’s surprised out of his wits, he’s not likely to change his behavior permanently.

He was caught doing it before, should you ask about it this time?

If it’s your idea that he give up porn, it’s not likely that he will do it with a committed spirit. It didn’t work the first time. So why even ask? It’s merely an invitation for him to find more devious ways to keep it hidden.

If forgoing porn is his idea because something else is more important, he might give it up, might break an addictive habit. That means you have to make yourself more important in his life than however important you are today. So, how do you do that?

There’s really only one way and you may not like the final result. So, you have to first make a choice. Which is more critical to your interest and well-being? 1) His presence even if he watches porn; you can adjust in order to protect the marriage. 2) It’s either porn or you. You’re unable to tolerate his porn viewing whether habit or addiction.*

Let’s take 1) first. You are already doing whatever it takes, so just continue as before.

If you choose 2), it’s another matter that should start here.

  • Don’t blame the “other woman,” that is, don’t even mention porn. It’s irrelevant to you. If he’s doing it, it’s his business. So, neither complain nor explain anything about it. Keep it off the table should any negotiation develop later. His inadequate actions where you are concerned is the problem.
  • Claim this problem, lay plans to take action, and let him know. You are not loved sufficiently; you need someone who can be and is more attentive, affectionate, intimate, and dependable in all those things. Thus, you intend to withdraw from the marriage. Shock works wonders.
  • Don’t explain much more. It’s your conclusion supported by the facts that he can recognize as easily as you. The more you explain or complain, the more ammunition you give him to argue the opposite. With more ammo, he can alibi, change the subject, and otherwise charm or promise you into submission. Which enables him to win with just a temporary change of porn habits in order to convince you of his sincerity. That is insufficient to prompt a permanent dropping of either porn habit or addiction.
  • As you proceed with plans for the breakup, it should soon become obvious if you are more important than before and hopefully more than his habit or addiction. If it looks like you are the more important, give him room and encouragement to show it as you expect it. But drag out the breakup plans. Enable his more attentive and affectionate behavior more time to develop into good habits; remember that his actions program his heart. He will have realized that porn is breaking up his marriage to—hopefully—the most important person in his life.
  • One needs three months or more to permanently change an unwanted habit. Your plans will probably turn porn into his unwanted habit so have patience and understanding while he undergoes self-weaning from it. Apply gentle pressure to get more attention, affection, and intimacy and indirectly praise and reward him for showing it.
  • Should he bring up porn as culprit, habit, or addiction, in addition to all that above, make other sleeping arrangements and stop all sex. Porn is cheating on you, so he can have his ‘other woman’.
  • Throughout this process and as if you’re preparing for the next man in your life, make yourself more attractive daily. Cultivate the practice of early morning mirror time as described in several articles with mirror in the title. Stimulate his sexual imagination especially if you stop sexual relations. Try to look and act more like the gal he married.
  • If it becomes obvious that you are not the most important, the plans for breakup have been made and can be carried out. Peace and harmony will not reign in your home until you as wife are the most important figure in his eyes. Men need frequent reminding and some need it more often.

Throughout all of the above, the deeper your belief and more determined your intention, the more respect and importance you will recapture from him. He may not make it sound that way in order to rebut your positions, but it will happen if there’s any love left in his heart. The easiest way for you to lose is to lose your self-confidence that what you are doing is the right thing to do.

Contrary to the way you may interpret that above, I don’t recommend busting up a marriage over porn. Using it as a threat, however, may well induce husbands to abandon a detrimental habit and regain the ambition of preserving their marriage. Whether it works or not leaves the wife with two options. Whichever is best for her as wife and perhaps mother of children, work it out or dump him.

——

* You can bring his porn watching out in the open, argue and fight defending each other’s position, and manage the turmoil that will certainly follow. Before long every shortcoming will be blamed on his porn watching or your reaction to it. Suspicion brings out the worst side of people, and it may or may not lead ultimately to breakup.

 

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2036. Female Blessings at Birth — 52-54


This is the 18th group of three blessings that accompany women from birth and through the trials and tribulations of life. I’m grateful for your confirmations and the few doubts too; no disagreements thus far down the list.

52. Since a little girl I’ve known that I expect peace and harmony in my life but not how to produce it. Later in childhood my expectations grew into dreams of how to produce it by spreading my love to a mate and children. Adult maturity tells me—but I don’t always listen—that spreading my love requires dedication to specific things and diligence to make them standard or normal. For example, produce peace and harmony without demanding it, exemplify it without criticizing self or others, and blend the contradictions as if everybody is sometimes wrong but never bad. [Guy explains: Although you knew the root of it in early childhood, you didn’t realize the details until you gained relationship experience. IOW, your generating peace and harmony has been a natural endeavor from childhood onward. Think about it ladies. How early, much, and many times have you been confronted with the urge to find peace and harmony in whatever happens in your life? And what did you do but work toward it? Peace and harmony is a paramount female dream with roots in the womb, or so I believe. I italicized the how-to details that you may not yet realize are strong abilities also buried within the female nature and usable to facilitate peace and harmony. Let me know if you disagree those italicized abilities reside in your heart. If you agree, shouldn’t you grateful that you have such a blessing? Such a boodle bag of delicate skills to generate peace and harmony?]

53. I appreciate never having to prolong the agonies that self-forgiveness can relieve. The best gift from God or my will power comes when I forgive myself. [Guy adds: See how easy it is for toddler girls to forgive themselves? But guilt interferes later. Women don’t think they deserve to be forgiven for mistakes, shortcomings, or less-than-commendable attributes. They are so used to imposing, accepting, and living with guilt that they fail to consider reality, common sense, and their unique nature. God forgives everything, to ask penitently makes you deserving. So, how does a woman forgive herself? She confesses to herself penitently and her sincerity makes her deserving. Being in a relationship with herself in front of a mirror, she can’t fake sincerity there. While a bit of guilt may linger, it needn’t be incapacitating in the least if she sincerely forgives herself and believes that recovery is everything.]

54. I am so grateful that I get to choose my man my way. I will know him when I see him or very soon thereafter. [Guy says: In girlhood you dream so much about Mr. Right that every candidate appears fully qualified and you’re ever ready to sweep him off his feet. You set aside heart-felt caution as soon as you declare him Mr. Right. Your mind, however, says ‘heads up, you’re headed for trouble’. Your heart responds with ‘I don’t deserve him’ but I’m going to shoot the works, go all in. Your mind agrees and says ‘I can earn his love’. Oops, your emotional reasoning just hit a major snag; you turned yourself from buyer into seller. You try to make yourself worthy of him rather than the reverse. It may work for a year or so if romantic love captures you both but not permanently. When you act eager to capture him, you don’t earn his respect. Too eager and he learns to disrespect you. So, how do you sweep him off his feet after your eagerness and buyer’s spirit convince him—even before conquest—that you only qualify as possible booty? A stand-in for acceptance, a stand-by for sex means his feet stay anchored to the ground. It also means he quits looking for your qualities that he can admire as virtuous. Internal confusion causes your mistakes. Women misread their heart, which doesn’t tell them to sweep a guy off his feet. In fact, it’s the opposite. Instinctively, her heart says, ‘If he wants me he has to earn me’.]

Thank you for your confirmation, doubt, or disagreement. More blessings from the list will follow in a day or two.

 

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2035. Coffee and Tea with Mrs. G. #38


She’s been with the Lord for six months, but this story Grace would have told if we had recalled it. About the turn of the century, she and I visited a favorite chain restaurant. We had recently become acquaintances of the owner/operator. He’s working the day shift as shift manager.

We’re sitting in an end booth, he leans over the end and chats with us, obviously doing so in passing rather than visiting. We subsequently learn he’s professionally charming and loaded with integrity. With those talents he’s also an excellent leader and has gone on to higher position in his company. He just treated me to lunch yesterday, and it reminded me of this story.

Anyway, back to the booth. The three of us are laughing and enjoying something. Suddenly a good looking, ultra well-dressed woman unknown to us appeared at his side. She was already deep into throwing a hissy fit. Her red face spewed these words that reflect her anger better than I remember the accuracy. “You knew I was coming. I’ve been here (??) minutes. You should have been at my table already. You need to tell the servers what to do. You’ve been moving about and purposely ignoring me. You’ve embarrassed me before my friend (lunch partner).” The tirade probably continued for double the time it takes to say what I just wrote. She made no effort to keep her voice down.

So embarrassed his teeth turn red, he remained well composed. With gritted teeth he gently told her to return to her table and he would be there shortly. He waited until she got there and excused himself with our blessing and sympathy. I thought how can he be so calm?

After he departs, Grace turns to me and says, “That marriage won’t last.” And, of course it doesn’t except for a few legal-processing months. I wish I could have witnessed their ‘togetherness’ after he got home from work.

Ladies, don’t visit expecting husband to forsake his duty to cater to your whims. Leave all your whims at home. Pick up your patience umbrella and wear your gratefulness hat. You’re special but your presence magnifies his concerns, whether he acts like it or not. Everything becomes more important except what he can dispense with for the moments he spends with you. His decision and not yours.

The moral: There is no end to the benefits that wife’s patience and understanding bring to hubby’s job site. With it she makes him look good. By showing ultra respect for him and gratefulness for his associates/employees, she makes him look great.

 

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