2070. Female Blessings at Birth — 73-75


It seems never to end, this list of blessings that women receive at birth. This is the 25th installment. How can they not be grateful for themselves? Yet so many are.

I’m grateful for your responses. Especially those that signify your agreement or disagreement, T or F.

73. I am grateful that I instinctively resist skepticism. (It’s just an excuse to do little or nothing. It seems to justify escape from responsibility and I don’t like that.) [Guy adds: Ever see a 3-4 toddler girl be least bit skeptical? It just isn’t in her nature, but life does teach it sometimes.]

74. I am grateful to be endowed with the ability to handle anxiety without losing my composure and self-respect. (Lessons learned have made it much easier so that anxiety nowadays causes less guilt and lack of necessary action.) [Guy adds: Lessons learned make other women the exact opposite. Victory goes to those that claim success the most enthusiastically and loudly to self.]

75. I am grateful that my girlhood dreams taught me to expect this. However hard to live with it, my husband expects to remain married to the woman he courted. I never dreamed I would be any different than when we married, except for aging of course. (I recognize now; when and as I change from that fascinating woman, I lose some of his respect and influence with him.) [Guy adds: It’s seldom recognized verbally because it operates at the subconscious level. Other things are more easily blamed for loss of respect and influence.]

Example for your response: “75-F ” works okay to reflect your opinion of false to that one item. Also, comments are welcome and desired, especially if you take exception to anything.

 

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2069. Female Blessings at Birth — 70-72


We continue the vital list of blessings that women inherit. This is the 24th installment and I’m grateful for your responses. Especially those that signify your agreement or disagreement, T or F.

70. From my earliest days, the mirror has been my friend. I am grateful that mirror time opens my heart to focus outside myself. Whether appreciated or not by others, the mirror confirms my importance in my roles if not my performance in life. [Guy adds: I still owe you a rewrite about mirror use and it’s super value to ladies.]

71. I am grateful just to recognize that loneliness comes from lack of feedback of my importance to others. (I’ve learned that just as action cures fear, new or different actions of mine help cure my loneliness.) [Guy adds: Words don’t program the heart but actions (and emotionally imagined outcomes) do. Different and winning actions reprogram it from old habits.]

72. Vanity has been with me since my earliest mirror time. I am grateful that my expressions of vanity lift my spirits and prepare me to tackle anything with much less anxiety. [Guy adds: Vanity eases or solves so many female problems at the mirror. It confirms self-esteem and dignity. Enhances prettiness, self-image, self-confidence, and self-gratitude. If she doesn’t like herself and/or doesn’t like the mirror, she’s doing everything wrong. The more she can’t handle mirror feedback, the more desperate she becomes for feedback from others, which is the root of wanting to desperately to be liked by both women and men.]

Example for your response: “72-F ” works okay to reflect your opinion of false to that one item. Also, comments are welcome and desired, especially if you take exception to anything.

 

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 2068. Female Blessings at Birth — 67-69


We return to the vital list of blessings that women inherit. This is the 23rd installment and I’m grateful for your responses. Especially those that signify your agreement or disagreement, T or F.

67. I find gratefulness in all that I do for myself up to but not including selfishness. That’s not part of me but I have to remind myself frequently. [Guy adds: Temptation and low self-respect are the roots of selfishness. Envy and jealousy brought on by low self-esteem compound it.]

68. I am grateful for myself when my loved ones follow my lead to do good. [Guy adds: She’s born to be good and is naturally energized to do good. Men are born to do good but must be energized by the women in their lives.]

69. I am grateful that I know to keep my virgin status and sexual history unknown by everyone else. It’s no one’s business but mine. If known by others, I will or can be judged harshly or worse by both men and women. [Guy adds: It’s one of her earliest sensibilities but too easily mocked or shamed by people in her life.]

Example for your response: “69-F ” works okay to reflect your opinion of false to that one item. Also, comments are welcome and desired, especially if you take exception to anything.

 

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2067. Vanity, Thy Purpose is Great — Q&A


With feminine skill at 2066, Her Highness Cinnamon took blogmaster to task. I regret the confusion; lack of clarity on my end. Her questions are quoted and my answers follow. Thanks, Cinnamon, for the ease of clarifying the matter. It’s a tribute to the quality of your questioning.

1. “Are you saying that she tries to be likeable by suppressing natural modesty and vanity and that this is dishonest?”

Not suppresses, just eases off disclosing it. Not dishonest, just mistaken. She focuses so intensely on being liked by both girlfriends and men, that she drops her guard. She’s willing to forgo her heart-felt interests in an effort to not offend or to stand up for herself. So, she adapts to accepting offenses to her sensibilities. (Which she doesn’t have unless she claims them as standard for her.)

And she adopts more comfortable and even sloppy appearance to save time and match others, and it prevents using her prettiness to her advantage. Men have no God-given prettiness to enhance, and so she acts more as men act, which costs her in distinctiveness and uniqueness. All done to fit in better on the likeability circuit her girlfriends follow and men find satisfying, because it makes sex more frequent and convenient.

2. “I thought men did better when women were more mysterious – when they DON’T know who they are dealing with – because it inspires them to find out for themselves.”

That’s true, but the process of learning to deal with her—for her own best interest—starts with her uncovering her standards. What she must have to keep her identity, her uniqueness from other gals, her indebtedness to herself, her separateness from his dominant persona.

3. “Or are you just saying that modesty and vanity are the only two things that she SHOULD be more direct about (while remaining indirect about everything else).”

Pretty much, yes. Modesty and vanity are self-protective and usable as standards unique to the female nature. Men see both as natural and therefore respect a woman’s claims. So, her claims are instinctive, less debatable, more persuasive, and thus more influential inside man-think.

OTOH, in the singles world where two conquerors compete, men feel less respect and restraint for challenging lessons learned in life. Such as religious imperatives, childhood teachings, and moral values. A woman doubtless has other standards and expectations, but they don’t have the authority and predominance that modesty and vanity provide instinctively and that carry over to help stabilize her marriage.

A new thought about how doors open in man-think. By respecting and honoring those two standards, he admires her feminine determination, which makes him see virtue, which energizes him to find ways to live within her standards, which adds to her fascination, which makes him more eager to please her, which tends to build devotion, which adds to the promise he sees in her for his future, which is the gate to the altar. It all started when she let him know that she had standards that he must honor.

It boils down to this. Modesty is a woman’s defensive armor to protect her female sensibilities. Vanity is her offensive technique to exploit her prettiness. Both are inborn and instinctive. Mature men respect both, which jumpstarts a man’s respect out of which his love can grow.

 

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2066. Vanity, Thy Purpose is Great


We’re all naturally self-centered. Beyond a certain point that varies by individual, self-centeredness is unattractive to the opposite sex. Female modesty and vanity in women are justifiable exceptions. Modesty is a woman’s defensive armor to protect her female sensibilities. Vanity is her offensive technique to exploit her prettiness. Men would do the same if necessary. Consequently, they accept such female uniqueness even though it expands female self-centeredness beyond what normally appeals to men. IOW, men have to indulge her modesty and vanity if they hope to get along. By doing so, they invest themselves in her.

Modesty and vanity are inherited at birth. If a man can’t or doesn’t respect and accept those female traits due to his impatience or other traits, he’s too self-centered for her. She needs to discover it early in dating and below I suggest a way.

Modern women use a very poor strategy for capturing a man. They try to make themselves likeable. They do what they think men like, which of course focuses women on sex too. In response to masculine pressures, they also find it necessary to hide their modest nature and abandon their justifiable vanity. Consequently, they gain insufficient respect from men.

When a man likes a woman before he learns to respect her, his mind focuses on bedding her. When a man learns to respect a woman before he learns to like her, he focuses on learning more about her and is willing to put sex in the background. The former guy enables himself to avoid obligation; the male nature just works that way. The latter guy, however, is open to becoming obligated simply because he is willing to earn his way into her heart. The male nature works that way too. She’s captured his attention for learning more about her and drawn his interest to relationship obligations, which is the first step to capturing him for her.

Women seeking to be liked spotlight what they think men want to hear. That thinking keeps a man from finding out who she truly is. Marginalizing and de-personalizing her interest denies him ‘truth in advertising’ and he makes mistakes dealing with her. Not his fault, hers.

Men deal best with women when they know who they are dealing with. Men are direct and expect women to be. Women, being indirect by nature, overdo caution in order to be liked, and men don’t really know who or what they are dealing with. She’s a person but not a known woman, so he has to operate in somewhat of a vacuum. So, heck, take the easy road; push her for sex.

Here’s the crux of it. When a man can’t figure out who a woman is, the vacuum kills likeability. So, women trying to be liked torpedo their own ship.

Now, the suggestion mentioned above. Do the following early in dating and not later than the third date. Without complaining and without explaining further, let every man know two things. Done delicately helps but in no way apologize.

  1. You have female sensibilities and are easily offended. He’ll ask what, and you just respond with something like, “I’m modest and you’ll just have to figure it out.” It will put him on his toes to be more observant of his words and actions. And each little consideration he makes is an investment of himself.
  2. You require extra time to please yourself with your appearance. Tell him, “I always need extra time. You may be inconvenienced, so plan the best you can.”

Note that both bullets describe who you are. Men can deal with that. Without your letting a man know, he will assume you play like other women. Most of them have thrown away both modesty and vanity in order to be liked and popular. So, what’s the foundation for a man’s respect?

A woman does best when men know who she is and seek to step up to her standards. IOW, he earns his way into her heart by investing himself in not offending her. That works where this doesn’t; she goes along to get along, to be liked by him and popular among his buds.

Women are in charge of their destiny, but they have to train men to come along with them. Modesty and vanity earn manly respect. Out of that likeability can grow.

 

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2065. Inspired Over Polish Food — Second Course


Out of a delightful Polish dinner with Her Highness Marie, one of my research consultants, I developed this article. She inspired two new thoughts about men and women, and two new principles came to light. I posted one at 2064 and the other here. It’s about improving a mother’s leadership.

After first grade starts, mom’s nurturing loses its effect. Keeping her influence mandates need for leadership. Whether direct or indirect leadership is the question to be answered here.

Lack of self-gratitude, lack of confidence in her natural strengths, and many frustrations subvert her natural ability. Especially frustrations caused by children locked naturally in self-development but partially disconnected from mom by unnatural phones and games. All of that causes mothers to adopt poor leadership habits.

Among other domestic pressures, frustration from disobedience pushes mom to take stronger action. Techniques that over time make mom dogmatic and even autocratic. It’s the style of leadership men use, direct. Give orders and expect obedience. However, it’s ungood for harmony among children naturally endowed with urges for self-development. They need, yearn for, and thrive on indirect leadership. Exactly the kind that women are prepared for at birth.

Women should not only tend to their man with indirectness and patience but also to raising children. Mother can’t go wrong by sticking to her nature but can easily slip into wrongdoing by copying male behavior. She’s not autocratic by nature, so she’s not at her most effective that way. When mom leads like dad, she weakens her influence, which makes kids less self-disciplined, which leads to more frustrations.

Although she can dominate children, she doesn’t gain by doing so. She has to discipline. But patience, understanding, and indirectness work better than harsher techniques observed in men. (I purposely leave out love as it too easily takes the form of indulgence, aka trying to buy instant obedience instead of helping children develop self-discipline.) The more that mom uses male techniques, the less effective she becomes at holding on to the hearts of her children. Don’t read that to mean she shouldn’t be tough—just tough indirectness, tough patience, tough understanding, hints toughened by silent ‘you better’, tough personality when challenged, admirable leader toughened by setting desired examples.

Moms can do much better by understanding that kids are self-developers, that patience is available in mom in huge amounts, and that indirectness is her God-given best style of leadership. While best when started with toddlers, moms can start later. In fact, they better get lots of practice before the onslaught of puberty, because patience and indirectness are all that works well in the teens when coaching is the best style of influencing for specific effects.

I realize now, the major principle behind coaching is indirectness and patience to enable players to self-develop. Of course, there’s a lot of loud misunderstanding about minor mistakes too. But they are made secondary because of toughness bred into kids by tough indirect leadership.

“The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world.”* Nothing better than mom’s indirect leadership keeps the rocking within limits during the self-development of her children. [*From William Ross Wallace's poem "What Rules the World" published in 1865]

NOTE: Guy Jr. synthesized a modern day approach to discipline. I’ve asked him to describe it in a future posting.

 

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2064. Inspired Over Polish Food — First Course


Last evening I had a delightful Polish dinner with Her Highness Marie, one of my research consultants. She inspires new thoughts about men and women, and two new principles come to light. I post one today and the other later.

In dating and courtship, modern women try to find and capture candidates to consider for marriage. Lacking in self-gratitude, they abandon their female nature. Men win and women lose because the focus shifts to sex.

It’s a huge paradox. The female nature prompts women to wish that men would put sex aside in the process of finding interest in each other. Modern women dress sexually attractive and wonder why they can’t keep sex on the sideline. It doesn’t work to the advantage of women. After abandoning their own nature, they ignore the male nature. It subconsciously implies disrespect. Men subliminally respond with little respect for women although they respect the female nature (now seldom in use). Women don’t appeal to the emotional side of men. Just the sexual which provides fun and games but no emotional interest or link up.

Women want to be liked first. It’s a mistake. To be liked other than for sex, she must first earn a man’s respect. Just as men must respect before they love, the same goes for liking someone beyond a passing moment in life.

She’s attractive two ways, sexually and emotionally. Men are like this. a) He likes her sexual appearance and becomes interested in sex with her. Or b) He respects her emotional appearance and becomes interested in her. It’s under her control. Whichever option she induces him to take, his curiosity and imagination dominate his thoughts. He becomes curious about who she is and fires up his imagination about what she represents to him. Sex or something more promising? Until that happens, she can’t claim victory for what she wants most. In the end women want ‘b’ and ‘a’ works directly against them.

Men respect uniqueness in women. A man wants distinction, not commonness. He seeks to appreciate his own taste in women, drive his competitors to envy, inflate his self-admiration, and add to his significance. When she provides those benefits, he respects her. Out of that start, he learns to like her and can move on to love her.

A woman who looks like just another member of the sisterhood doesn’t appear unique. Example: The commonness of one hair style kills uniqueness for many women. (It’s for another time, but I’m willing to bet that most men given two choices would pick the second. a) Long, below the shoulder, and little-upkeep hair to nestle their face in while in bed. Or, b) neatly coiffed, shorter, and face enhancing hairdo that makes her look attractive out of bed. When’s the last time her hair helped get a man into bed?)

Women fertilize their tree of hope when they find ways to make their emotional attractiveness hide their sexual attractiveness. Glamorous clothes and hair are one option but the Muumuu Effect is another (posts 665 and 666).

The success of women attracting men for other than sex won’t improve until they show greater respect for both the male and female natures and overcome their own lack of self-gratitude. Without the latter they remain too self-centered to be respected very highly by men.

 

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