2756. Essentials of Successful Marriage — 07 Formula for Success

A formula exists with significant potential for marital success. Follow it and separation is not likely to cloud the marital horizon. It is this.

Formula. Wife starts each day in a happy frame of mind + she’s grateful for and likes who she is and what she does + she’s grateful for the man and kids she does it with + she allows her heart to outwardly reflect and shower her gratitude on those nearby and it = another great day. All of which confirms her self-confidence and gratefulness and brings on a steady and predictable state to her marital affairs.

Spinning out of her great day, her dynamic presence in the lives of her family overwhelms whatever negative outcomes they each may face. She’s in charge by acting in charge; she’s effective by getting her way, because she doesn’t rule but helps guide the self-development of family members. It’s her show to run, but most wives probably lack the first ingredient—‘wife starts each day in a happy frame of mind’.

And readers say, “you mean she only has to be happy?” Yes, but it’s a specific kind and cause, a derivative of the night before, and the major point of this article.

I know it sounds too simple and fanciful, but I’m about to answer the troublesome issue we ponder here. How does she get to a happy frame of mind each morning? She gets it in bed the night before.

You gals can claim that I’m wrong, but I’ll stick with three assumptions.

1. A wife is as happy in the morning as husband confirmed the night before that she is very important to herself, extremely important to him, and essential for preservation of their relationship. Not satisfied sexually although it may have happened, but confirmed with lovemaking and intimacy that erases any and all doubt about her worthiness and importance to him and life together. IOW, sex without lots of post-coital intimacy is neither good lovemaking nor motivation to be happy the next morning.
2. A happy woman in the morning is not out to find flaws or faults in her man, disruptions in her life for which she can blame someone else, or otherwise kill the gratefulness in her heart for who she is and what she does. She’s out to build upon the grand fortress she’s fortunate to have found in bed with an adoring and superlative lover. IOW, intimacy dominates her sex life, and post-coital intimacy is the most valuable. When it’s lacking, lovemaking is incomplete and happy doesn’t crown her attitude the next day. She’s as happy today as husband made her feel important last night.
3. Her husband has no idea that she’s made that way, so dependent on his behavior in bed. A man knows that if she experiences orgasm, he’s done his job and a good one too. He believes what he figures out. Consequently, knowing that he and willy are great lovers, he’s pretty much into either poke, come, and go or he seeks new sexual adventures. Whichever way he takes them, he’s fully qualified and eager to prove his lovemaking ability.

See the dilemma? Wife knows what she needs but he doesn’t. He thinks orgasm is enough, she knows better. He professes lovemaking skills, which turns him against learning something new. He figures he knows her sexual side full well, that’s all that counts in bed, and so his beliefs become more inflexible and his sexual habits more disappointing over time. To him, sexual prowess depends on techniques with his willy more than embracing, holding, and stroking her body amid affectionate whispering in her ear.

IOW, they are not even close to being on the same wavelength about sex and her importance in his and her life together. Wives learn to fake whatever they need in order to preserve the relationship. It means they subordinate intimacy to relationship solidarity. It’s an investment of herself, but not a very rewarding one.

Women need for men to be better lovers; specifically, spreaders of intimacy as the major outcome of sexual relations.

To tell a man that is to insult him. Women need a strategy to coax and coach husbands into becoming better intimacy-based lovers. It’s next if I can produce it.

831. Response to Viewer — Item 28

Her Highness Sarah asked at #829 why women need a man more than men need a woman? It’s simple. Their natures differ greatly as the result of God’s design and Nature’s genetics and hormone infusion. Here’s a short summary.**

Men are driven as competitors and hunter-conquerors. They compete with men; they neither want nor long tolerate a woman competing with them. As hunters, a woman is unneeded and may be a burden. Men need something to conquer; an unconquered woman fills the bill. After sex, with physiological need satisfied, she’s expendable. (Sex does not bond a man, as it does a woman.)

Men have one primal need: a place to flop, eat, and recover for tomorrow’s battles. It’s almost never a castle, because a shack will do just fine, thank you very much.

Men very strictly select long-term partners, associates, friends, and spouses. Respect for and trust of selectees overrides other appealing qualities, but women select differently.

Women select long-term partners, associates, friends, and spouses by another standard: bonding ‘stickiness’. Rather than selecting based on respect, they give respect out of bonding necessity. They sacrifice for relationship solidarity and stability.

Women are driven to nest, nurture, and nestle with loved ones. They need a brighter future for themselves plus children. A man can fill needs that her singleness cannot.

What women can produce, provide, or protect from, men can do for themselves or do without. Men are much more amenable and capable to survive alone. At the survival level, whether economic, physical, or mental, women are more needful for a man than the reverse.

** More sex differences are available in numerous articles titled Sex Differences Do Matter and Gender Differences Revisited. I suggest starting with #702-705. They’re all listed in the CONTENTS page at blog top.

526. She has ‘Issues’ — Responses

Casual sex being the man’s game, he’s prepared to convince her of the rightness of his cause. She may even help as described in part one in post 525, but she needs her own ammo.

Caveat: I offer no right answers for being accused of frigidity, fear, or sexual mistreatment. Instead, I assume that she wants to choose whether he’s worth more attention and time instead of his making that choice about her.

Her response should not drive him off, but should cause confusion so that he slacks off pressuring her for sex. Conflicting signals cause confusion, and smiles can confuse any negative message she chooses to convey.

Responses: Anger and disappointment have some potential, but she gives up control of the situation. Certainty of her messages, as opposed to confusing him, puts him in fight or flight mode. A grab bag of options includes confusing messages that are less likely to prompt his dropping her:

·        SMILE and ask: “Why do you accuse me of having issues? Can I not stand on my principles and beliefs?” (Then, don’t explain further and don’t complain about his response, if he offers one. Let her question haunt him, because he has no answer that respects her as she wants to be respected.)

·        SMILE, maybe chuckle, and change the subject as if his accusations are preposterous. (Say nothing to defend her position, but don’t let him know if she’s uncertain about it. Take charge. Self-confidence steals ammo from his bag of tricks.)

·        SMILE as if she intends to keep secrets in the sex department. They disagree on ‘casual’, and it’s no time to explore those differences. (She’s waiting on certain conditions to be met, which she expects to come later.)

·        SMILE if she’s hurt and inquire if he really has other specific interests in common with her. (Put the guilt on him, and he’ll change the subject.) 

·        SMILE and query him about himself to change the subject. (What ‘issues’ does he have that he would expect her to so eagerly embrace casual instead of devotion? Why embrace his self-interest by yielding her own interests?)

·        SMILE mysteriously while asserting she’s ‘normal’. Greater mystery will stop his efforts to soften her resolve. (He’ll depart or take another strategy, if she puts the guilt back on him for even suggesting that she may be other than ‘normal’.)

·        SMILE and assert devoted love is normal and casual sex abnormal to relationship solidarity. (She might ask: Is he more interested in sex than a solid relationship? Why? How? Penetrating questions expose his character.)

·        SMILE and in some subtle way assert innocence as more valuable than experience. (Let him conclude what all that means.)

Accusing a female of issues against casual sex is a standard male technique. She cheapens herself if she falls for it.

A more profitable response: Don’t accept casual, commitment, or her devotion for him in lieu of his devotion for her. It’s called female dominance.